


Being Me Was Mine

by snowlikestardust



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: Abuse, Additional Warnings In Author's Note, Angst, Coming of Age, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Family, Female Harry Potter, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, LGBTQ Character, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2018-05-06
Packaged: 2019-02-12 16:44:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 28,304
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12963846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowlikestardust/pseuds/snowlikestardust
Summary: When Sirius finds his best friends murdered in his home, he doesn’t seek revenge. Instead, he takes his god-daughter and runs.Flash forward twelve years later, and Katsa Potter starts middle school. Specifically, at Teiko Junior High.





	1. Introduction

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Finding your way home](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10763652) by [crocogirly](https://archiveofourown.org/users/crocogirly/pseuds/crocogirly). 



> Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Kuroko no Basuke.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Death mention.  
> If you want me to add any trigger warnings/think I should include something, leave a comment and I'll be happy to.  
> The first chapter is made up of the prologue and the actual first chapter, because the prologue is too short to be put on its own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own KnB or HP.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Offscreen, canon character death.

**Prologue**

Sirius had a lot of love in his body. He loved his best friends, James and Remus and Peter, he loved his brother, no matter how much of a jerk he was, he loved his best friend’s wife, Lily, he loved his adopted parents, Charlus and Dorea Potter, and more than most anything, he loved his god-daughter, Katsa Potter.

Sirius also held a lot of hate. Hate at his blood parents and the Death Eaters and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. These people took away his happiness, they tore him down and left him to rot.

Sirius never expected for his two lists to blend. He never expected to have to choose which was more important to him—love or hate.

Peter betrayed them. Peter told You-Know-Who, and now James and Lily were dead. Charlus and Dorea were dead. Regulus was dead. Remus was missing in action.

The people Sirius hated weren’t gone. Or at least, some of them. His parents were dead. Sirius had killed many Death Eaters, but there were still too many to count. You-Know-Who may or may not have been dead, but either way something had happened to him. And then there was a new name, transferred over from his love list: Peter.

Peter was out there, alive, and Sirius wanted revenge. But…

Sirius held a one-year-old baby in his arms. Little Katsa, his prongslet. She was alive, and beautiful, and she _needed him_.

Sirius wanted to act on his hate. He was a Gryffindor, he lived off of reckless decisions.

But Sirius was not going to lose the only person he had left.

So he ran.

He ran and ran and kept running until he was sure no one would follow him. He went to Japan, because the wizarding community in Japan didn’t care about what was happening in Britain and they wouldn’t ask questions.

Sirius used his connections to build a life for him and Katsa. By that point, he had heard about the Girl-Who-Lived. The world looked up to Katsa Potter as an idol. Sirius erased all of that.

Sirius knew it would probably be best if he changed their names. The chance that someone would recognize them was great. But he couldn’t. Katsa Potter was the name James and Lily gave their daughter. It wasn’t fair—it wasn’t right to take that away.

Sirius couldn’t change his name either. As much as he hated his legacy, it had taken him years to reclaim his person from the shadows of his parents. He fought tooth and nail to be able to say his own name without feeling like he was dying, and he was not giving that away.

Sirius got a job at a local magic school. He never pictured himself a teacher, but he was smart and capable and really needed a job. Besides, the practice with taking care of kids would be good.

The situation wasn’t ideal. Sirius was more of a fun uncle type of guy, not a father figure. But he’d figure it out. If he could, he would find Remus. If not, if it turned out all of the Marauders were dead (or dead to Sirius), then Sirius would soldier on.

Sirius was a survivor. Now that surviving just extended to a baby too.

* * *

**Chapter One**

Katsa learned basketball much like she learned most things: in a half-muggle, half-wizard location that phased in and out of reality, taught by her godfather’s students at odd hours of the morning.

It was Nonaka Sora who taught Katsa. Nonaka was a gender fluid kid two years Katsa’s senior in Katsa’s godfather’s advanced transfiguration class. It was two am when Nonaka started teaching Katsa. He (because when they first played together, Nonaka was a he) told her that he was looking to avoid doing his homework and keeping a normal sleep schedule, and he wanted someone to play basketball with. So, he taught Katsa.

(Katsa thought that he might have been lying about why he taught her. She knew that he didn’t get along with the other kids very well, most likely because of his gender identity. She also knew that he didn’t get enough sleep—there were constant dark circles under his eyes. But he didn’t owe Katsa any answers, so she didn’t ask.)

Katsa wasn’t good at basketball, not at first. She wasn’t terrible at it, but she wasn’t some kind of prodigy. It took practice, hours of it, for her to get good.

Katsa never realized how grateful she should have been until looking back on it years later. Nonaka changed her life. _Basketball_ changed her life.

Katsa was used to not fitting in. But in basketball, no one cared that she was a foreigner or that she was a halfblood or that she couldn’t seem to decide whether to live in the muggle or the wizarding world. They just cared that she could play.

Katsa would have been fine with playing streetball and never being on an official team. But Sirius didn’t like the idea of his seven-year-old goddaughter playing with rough boys on the street, so he signed Katsa up for a junior basketball league.

That marked another monument in Katsa’s life. That was when she met Midorima Shintaro for the first time.

Katsa met Midorima’s rumors before she met the real him. When Katsa first joined the team, five different people told her to leave that-weird-green-headed kid alone.

Midorima, they told her, was weird, and _not normal_. He carried around strange items and never talked to anyone. It was really best to stay away with him.

The natural thing to do after that, of course, was to go over and talk to him. Katsa understood being _not normal_ , and she didn’t like the thought that someone would be ostracized because of that. Besides, the other kids would realize soon enough that she was weird too. She might as well cut off contact with them first.

Midorima didn’t seem to know what to do with himself when talking to her. He avoided eye contact, was constantly fiddling with his glasses, and all of his answers were short and to the point.

Katsa didn’t mind that he was awkward. She could be awkward too. Really, it was taking all of her social energy to talk to him. But he just looked so lonely all by himself, that Katsa’s heart ached for him.

It happened like this:

Katsa saw that someone was lonely, so she took the first step. It paid off.

It started like this:

Katsa was told to stay away from the freak of the team.

It continued like this:

Katsa did the exact opposite of what she was told by the other children.

It continued like this:

Katsa talked to Midorima one day at practice. Then she talked to him again the next day, and again the next, and again the next.

It continued like this:

Midorima started to speak in sentences more than one word. On the days when Katsa’s luck was bad, he would bring her his lucky item.

It continued like this:

Katsa and Midorima went out to eat together after practice. They studied together. They talked, and didn’t call each other freaks, and ignored the looks they got from the rest of the team.

It ended like this:

Katsa made a friend. And it didn’t end.

* * *

Basketball meant a lot of things to Katsa. It meant being something more than an _other_. It was making her two first friends—Nonaka and Midorima. Basketball was fun, and Katsa was glad to have it.

(Later, Katsa would wish that she had never picked up the ball. She would wish that she had never befriended Midorima, or made the extra effort of reaching out at all. But that’s later, and this is now. Now, Katsa loved basketball. And that was enough.)


	2. We've Only Just Begun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Kuroko no Basuke or Harry Potter
> 
> Trigger Warnings: None that I'm aware of. If you think I should add any trigger warnings, just leave a comment or message me on my Tumblr, @snowlikestardust

Katsa had never been to regular school before. Until now. And it only took four solid days of begging, a week of the silent treatment, and a two-month prank war for her to convince Sirius.

Sirius was protective of her, she got that. He had lost her parents when she was a baby, and the only friend he had left from Britain was Katsa’s uncle Remus, who only ever visited every couple of months.

Still, it was slightly ridiculous. If Katsa didn’t know any better she’d say that Sirius was afraid of being _lonely_. Never mind the fact that Sirius would be going to school anyway, seeing as he was a teacher.

Sirius had asked Katsa to go to the Tokyo School of Magic, the place that he taught. But Katsa didn’t want to go to a magical school, much less one that her godfather taught at.

Katsa _liked_ the muggle world. It was one more connection with her muggle-born mother, and it was also something to fall back on. Jobs when it came to the wizarding world weren’t exactly diverse. There were government jobs, healers, and privately-run businesses that didn’t vary much beyond news and shops. Katsa had no intention of going into any of those professions. She wanted options. And the muggle world gave her options.

Besides. Katsa’s best friend, Shintaro (the calling each other by their first names took three years, but it was worth it: Katsa got a miniature thrill whenever she heard another person—a friend—call her Katsa) was going to muggle school and was planning to quit their kids’ league to join the school team. Katsa knew they would still be able to hang out outside of basketball, but basketball was where her comfort zone was. Organizing times to be with each other was _stressful_ , not to mention _hard_. Katsa didn’t have a phone. It was hard to figure out plans in any situation other than face-to-face.

Maybe it wasn’t healthy to base a life decision on something her friend did. But Katsa truly was the ward of her godfather, because she couldn’t care less about things like making healthy decisions.

So, at thirteen years old, six years after Katsa joined her first basketball team, Katsa joined Teiko Junior High, best friend at her side. And as Katsa looked out at the grounds, new uniform on and school books in hand, she couldn’t help but think: _She’s not going to regret this. She can feel it. She’ll be happy here._

(Oh, how wrong she was.)

* * *

Katsa was in class 1-A. AKA, she was in a different class from Shintaro. AKA, she was stranded in a class where she knew no one and was unable to properly interact with her peers seeing as she was in an environment without basketball. AKA, bad.

The bad news didn’t end there. _There was no girls’ basketball team._

Katsa felt like crying. She was entirely out of her element. She didn’t know what to do next. She had magic, Sirius, and basketball, and through basketball, she had Nonaka and Shintaro. Those were the resources she had, and she was lost without any of them to act as a guideline.

Katsa tried to explain it to Sirius. He just got that look in his eyes that said he thought he was smarter than everyone else in the room, and said: “Well that’s an easy fix. You practice magic at home with me, hang out with Nonaka-kun over the weekends, talk to Midorima-kun at lunch, and join the boys’ basketball team.”

Katsa was with him until that last point. “I can’t join the boys’ team. I’m a girl.”

“And?”

“And—and, there must be a rule against it.”

“Then change the rules. Or look up the rules in the first place and see if they’re even there. Who knows, it might be allowed. And if not,” Here, he knelt down. “You find a way around them. You’re a Marauder, darling. We never let rules get in our way.”

Katsa felt a spring of hope rise in her chest. “You really think so? I might be able to play basketball with the boys?”

“I know better than to put anything past you, Prongslet.”

So Katsa looked it up. And she found something that she honestly didn’t expect. There were actually no rules that said girls couldn’t play in the boys’ league, or vice versa. It was just assumed that no would want to.

Katsa wanted to. She wanted to play basketball beside Shintaro and represent her school at tournaments.

There was just the problem of getting on the team. Teiko Junior High had three strings of basketball players. Even some of the first stringers didn’t get to play in games.

But Katsa was determined. She would persevere.

* * *

As brave as Katsa liked to think she was, she felt very small talking to Head Coach Shirogane. He looked at her with doubt in his eyes, and Katsa could physically feel the uncertainty rise in her like a wave.

“You think you have what it takes to be on my basketball team?”

Katsa opened and closed her mouth a few times before finally managing to squeak out a “Yes.’

He looked at her, saying nothing. Katsa took a deep breath and continued. “There’s no rule that says girls can’t be on boys’ teams. I checked.”

Shirogane stayed silent for a few moments before saying: “Indeed there isn’t. Well, if you think you can keep up, you’re free to try out. I doubt that you’ll get in, but I can’t do anything to stop you from signing up.”

It took a moment for it to register in Katsa’s mind. She spent a few seconds trying to feel joyful or offended. She settled on mildly happy. “Thank you, sensei. I’ll try my best.”

Shirogane nodded. “You are dismissed.”

Katsa nodded and left his office. Once out of his sight, she let a smile overtake her features and allowed herself a fist pump.

She had the chance to play with the best of the best. And she was going to give it her all.

* * *

She made it. She, Shintaro, and three other first-years made it onto first string.

Katsa was in shock. She wasn’t a genius when it came to basketball, not like her best friend. She had never won a one on one against Nonaka. She got where she was from practice. As much as she had hoped, she hadn’t truly believed that she would make it onto the first string. But she had.

No one else believed she would make it either. Katsa heard several people complaining over the fact that a girl was chosen above them. Everyone thought they were just humoring her and that she would barely make it onto third string.

It happened like this:

Katsa made it onto the basketball team’s, the boys’ basketball team’s, first string. No one but her and Shintaro were happy.

It started like this:

Head Coach Shirogane called out five names to join first-string. They were Potter Katsa, Midorima Shintaro, Akashi Seijuro, Aomine Daiki, and Murasakibara Atsushi. This was the first time in Teiko’s history that a first year made it onto the first-string right from the start.

It continued like this:

Shirogane pulled the five into his office. He told them that these were unprecedented circumstances. He told them that if they lost a single game, they would all be kicked off the team.

It continued like this:

There were a lot of whispers—from everyone, not just from the other kids on the basketball club. Nasty rumors spread by girls annoyed that Katsa got to spend so much time around muscular guys. Jealous second- and third-string saying that she only got onto the team because she was pretty, that she didn’t have any real skill.

It continued like this:

Katsa felt crushed in by the words of the people surrounding her. She took it upon herself to prove that she got onto the team out of skill, not for any other reason. She would rise to the top; then people would accept her.

It ended like this:

Shintaro glared at everyone who talked badly about her. Nonaka practiced basketball with her, teaching her little tricks to improve. Sirius gave her a hug and a kiss on the forehead every night when he came home, and when they had time they would wrestle together with Sirius in Padfoot form.

The rumors and the doubts didn’t end. But Katsa had friends and family, and that didn’t end either. And that was enough.


	3. Thinking Out Loud

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Kuroko no Basuke.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Some negative thinking on the part of Katsa.

After a couple of practices, Katsa noticed that everyone had a _thing_. Just, one thing that they were _really_ good at. Katsa’s thing was that she was fast.

Katsa was quicker on her feet than most of her competitors, and she could handle the ball well enough to keep it with her.

Her speed was one of the only natural abilities she was born with. It wasn’t even just in basketball. Whenever she was roped in by Sirius and his students, she was an amazing seeker. So, speed, that was something that she was given. But everything else she got through practice. And the practice didn’t stop at Teiko.

Practice at Teiko was hard. By the end of most of them, Katsa could barely muster up the energy to walk home. Then, of course, there were the practices with Nonaka. Katsa refused to become lax in her training. Nonaka was the one to teach Katsa, so Katsa owed it to them to keep playing with them. Besides. Katsa enjoyed their company.

For some people, regular practice and extra practice with friends would be more than enough. But she had something to prove. If she fell behind, she was off the team. That wasn’t an option for her. So, she practiced more than anyone else. Practice was what brought her to her current skill level, it could carry her farther.

She got permission from the coach to practice in the fourth gym. No one used it, partially out of the fact that there were three other perfectly good gyms and partially because of the rumors that there was a ghost haunting it. Katsa didn’t want to do extra practice in the more crowded gyms, and she had met plenty of ghosts before. She had nothing to fear.

Since she was practicing alone, she couldn’t work on passing and things to do with teamwork. Instead, she worked on her ball-handling and shooting.

Every time Katsa fumbled with the ball or missed a shot, thoughts of self-contempt filled her. How was she supposed to keep up with the other first stringers when she made mistakes? She was just lucky that she didn’t mess up as often in front of the others.

It was here that Katsa met him. Kuroko Tetsuya. Kuroko was a third-stringer who also wanted the extra practice.

Katsa watched Kuroko play. In short, he sucked. In a slightly longer manner, he lacked any sort of natural talent. It was even like the way Katsa had to practice a lot to get good. He seemed to have the opposite of natural talent. He was naturally bad at basketball. It was clear he had been practicing for a long time, yet he was perhaps one of the worst players Katsa had ever seen.

She didn’t say any of this, or even think it for very long. Instead, she gave Kuroko a smile and offered her hand. He took it, and so started what would be a lifelong friendship. Neither knew that at the time though. They just knew that they had found someone who loved basketball as much as they did.

Kuroko wasn’t very good at basketball. But Katsa was willing to help him get better.

It felt good, reaching out and helping someone. She wondered if this was how Nonaka felt when they helped her. Later, when they were having one of their weekend practices, she asked them.

“It did feel nice, teaching someone. It’s something I can imagine doing for the rest of my life,” Nonaka confided in her. The magic-user was wearing a pink bracelet, meaning that she was using she/her pronouns. Katsa and Nonaka were sitting on a tall ledge overlooking the basketball court, feet dangling in the air. Nonaka kicked her legs back and forth. “It’s like, this solid proof that I’m making a difference in the world. Like, even if I feel worthless sometimes, I was able to affect something.”

Katsa wanted to tell her that she wasn’t worthless. But she held her tongue. Katsa felt worthless sometimes too, and when she did she didn’t want anyone to tell her otherwise. Listening to people talk positively about her left her with a slimy feeling all over, like she was doing something wrong by taking the praise. She imagined that the older person might feel the same way. So, she says: “You did make a difference. My life was changed for the better when I met you.”

Nonaka gave her a soft smile, and Katsa felt her breath catch in her chest. Nonaka didn’t smile very often, so it was always a treat when she did.

“How long have we known each other, Potter-chan?” Nonaka abruptly changed the subject. Katsa blinked, but went with it.

“Around six years. Why?”

“Well, if we’ve known each other so long, it makes sense that we’d call each other more familiarly. You can call me Sora if you’d like,” Her smile had curled into something half as wide, but still just as gentle.

Katsa felt something warm curl up in her chest. She smiled back. “Then you can call me Katsa.”

“Alright, Katsa.”

This was what happiness felt like. Katsa didn’t feel this way often. All of her emotions were rather muted usually. But here, she felt the emotion fill her up with a gentle warmth. _Yes_ , thought Katsa. _She could get used to this._

* * *

Kuroko was a good kid, if a bit odd. The first time Katsa met him, she just about had a heart attack. Luckily, she had years of surprise pranks thanks to Sirius under her belt, so she didn’t scream like some of the girls in Katsa’s class did when this blonde guy waved at them.

Simply put, Kuroko had no presence. He was more ghost-like than most of the literal ghosts Katsa had met. Katsa never noticed him, at least not until he spoke up. It made her feel kind of guilty. It must have been lonely to constantly float on the edge of everyone’s awareness, no one stopping to talk to you.

Katsa practiced hard after practice, working with Kuroko to help him and get better herself. It paid off, at least for Katsa. She honestly couldn’t tell if Kuroko was getting better, but she herself was excelling in practice. People noticed.

“You’ve gotten better,” Shintaro told her. It was a fact, not a compliment. Still, Katsa felt uncomfortable with the praise. She wanted to rise to the top, but she didn’t need anyone to acknowledge it. She was content if people just kept their mouths shut and didn’t insult her.

“You’ve gotten better too,” When she said it, it was a compliment. Shintaro didn’t seem to know what to do with himself upon hearing that. He was just as bad as she was when it came to accepting stuff like that.

“I’ve been practicing.”

“So have I,” Katsa pointed out. Really, for best friends, 99% of their conversations were painfully awkward. That was why most of the time they were just in each other’s company in silence.

They stayed like that for a few moments before making the unanimous decision to walk away and pretend none of that ever happened.

Stuff like that happened a lot. They would try to compliment each other. Katsa was chill with it. She didn’t need to have friendships full of loud laughter and physical contact. That wasn’t the kind of person Katsa was. She was happy with basketball practice alongside the people she cared about, working herself until she collapsed. And at the end of the day, after basketball practice and school where she pushed herself to the limit, she had her godfather to come home to. Sirius would shift into Padfoot, and Katsa would spend cuddled up against the Grim-like dog’s side.

Katsa wasn’t like all the other kids. She was white, for one. The only white person at Teiko, in fact. She was also a witch learning in a muggle environment, though less people knew about that. She was the only girl on a boys’ basketball team (which really, the cliché-ness of that killed her) and she had no friends who were 100% of the time girls. Katsa stood out, and not in a good way.

Sometimes Katsa was more okay with it than other times. Her self-acceptance came and went. She had accepted that a long time ago. She knew it was best to not get hung up over. It simply was, and that was okay.

Katsa could have been given a much harder draw in life. She could have been left without anyone who cared for her, without magic and basketball and love and friendship. She was lucky, even if she struggled sometimes. She had nothing to complain about.

Katsa hated when she got like this. She’d start off thinking about the good things in life, then spiral down into thoughts she was better off not thinking. She just ended up thinking herself in circles, and she always ended up feeling bad about herself.

It wasn’t healthy. Katsa knew that. But it wasn’t worth bothering anyone else about, and she wasn’t equipped to handle it herself. It was much better to just push those thoughts to the side and move on. She had extra practice with Kuroko later, and a meeting with Sora the day after. She was fine. She was _fine._

* * *

“I think we should get a dog,” Sirius said, plopping down in the seat next to Katsa. Katsa held in a sigh. She just wanted to get her homework done.

“We have a dog. You.”

Sirius sighed deeply, draping himself dramatically against Katsa. “We should get a _dog_ , dog. One that stays a dog 100% of the time.”

Katsa had nothing against getting a dog, but she had to be practical. “We’re both at school all day. It wouldn’t be fair to leave an animal alone all day. What even brought this on?”

“I could bring him to work with me. The kids would love him. And I want to get one because no family is complete without a dog.”

“That’s not the real reason,” Katsa said immediately. She knew how to spot a lie when she saw one. “There’s something more.”

An emotion Katsa couldn’t identify flashed across Sirius’s face. “Maybe I just miss having animal companions. I mean, without Moony around…”

Katsa felt a flash of guilt. It was thanks to her that Remus didn’t live with Sirius. He was scared that he would hurt her because of his condition. And it made sense that Sirius would want another companion. Katsa was young, and every day Sirius spent his days with students half his age. An escape via the form of an animal would probably be a relief to him.

(Katsa didn’t realize the truth behind Sirius’s want. In reality, he wanted a dog to help comfort Katsa. He saw that she was pushing herself too hard, and he knew that she needed to take a break every once in a while. But Katsa didn’t know any of that. She was thirteen years old, and still didn’t understand quite how other people’s minds worked. So she stewed in the belief that she wasn’t enough, that she was a burden. And that would be her downfall.)

Katsa made up her mind. “Okay. A dog would be great.”

Sirius’s face lit up. “Really? That’s great! Do you want to go to a shelter tomorrow then?”

“Tomorrow” was a Saturday. Katsa had plans to hang out with Sora then, but it didn’t have to last the whole day. She could ask them if they could move up their meeting to the morning, then she and Sirius could go to a shelter in the afternoon. Katsa told Sirius all of this, and he let her contact Sora through the floo.

Sora was very understanding, and seemed excited for Katsa. When Katsa thought about it, she was excited too. It wasn’t any big emotion, because she rarely felt those. Maybe if she had more time to think about it, she would feel more strongly. But as it was, her godfather was impulsive and thought it best to get a dog the day after he proposed it. Knowing him, he probably already had a bed, food, toys, and other supplies needed for taking care of a dog.

Getting a dog was an exciting experience, so Katsa was going to be excited. Even if she had to remind herself every once in a while to smile, or force herself to feel happy, it was worth it to see the delighted look Sirius got in his eye whenever she looked happy.

Sirius was worth it. He was worth quite a lot.

* * *

His name was Loki, he was a Great Pyrenees about a year old, he weighed only a little less than Katsa at 100 lbs., and he was _perfect._

Katsa hadn’t been sure about getting a dog. But looking into the eyes full of pure goodness in front of her, she knew she had made the right choice.

Katsa’s suspicions were correct; Sirius already had all of the supplies for taking care of a dog. She felt a little stung that he did that before asking for it, but if she was perfectly honest he probably forgot to ask her until the last moment. Or he knew she would say yes.

They situated Loki’s bed in Katsa’s room. He was already potty trained, so as long as they remembered to let him out into the backyard regularly, it would be fine. Sirius fed him in the morning, Katsa fed him at night. He had more toys that really necessary, but Sirius reasoned that he could use them as well.

That had been a weird night. A couple of days after they got Loki, Sirius shifted to Padfoot. The white dog was clearly confused, but he played with Padfoot gladly enough.

Katsa took him on runs with her every night. It was good for him to get the exercise, and it gave Katsa another excuse to exercise herself.

She also brought him when she hung out with Sora. Sora loved him. Katsa loved watching Sora play with him, and it was lots of fun to join in. Loki was fascinated with basketballs. He loved nosing them around and trying to chew them.

Petting Loki was the most soothing thing Katsa had ever done. She loved him with more passion than she believed she had in her.

(Looking at her, Sirius knew he had made a good choice. And he really did. Loki would provide a constant support for Katsa in later years, even when everything felt like it was falling apart. There’s nothing quite like the unconditional love a dog can give you. Now, Katsa had that love from two dogs, instead of the one animagus. That was good. It was needed. But it wouldn’t be enough.)

* * *

It happened like this:

Katsa had a lot going on, but she also had a lot of support. Basketball, muggle school, and magic home schooling took up most of her time. The rest of her time was taken up by her friends, family, and dog.

It started like this:

Coach Shirogane started complimenting her playing. People started believing that she got on the team from skill. Every time she did a particularly good move in front of Sora, she got a proud look and a high five.

It continued like this:

Padfoot, Katsa, and Loki wrestled sometimes. It almost always ended with Katsa being tackled with kisses via the dogs.

It continued like this:

Katsa invited Kuroko to join her and Shintaro at lunch. Shintaro was a little (a lot) awkward at first, but when he realized that the smaller boy was content sitting in silence, he relaxed some.

It continued like this:

Every night, Sirius taught Katsa a little in the art of magic. It was slow going, because she had other commitments, but it was going. Sora helped when it came to the subjects Sirius wasn’t as good at.

It ended like this:

Katsa was happy. And for a long time, that didn’t end.


	4. We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Kuroko no Basuke.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Some more toxic thinking. Harsh punishments. Mental health issues.
> 
> If you’d like me to add any trigger warnings, feel free to leave a comment on here or AO3 or message me on my tumblr, @snowlikestardust. For that matter, if you’d like to talk to me at all, you can do that too! I’m way more friendly than my writing might lead you to believe.

The first official game Katsa played in was a practice game with another highly ranked junior high. Coach Shirogane decided to have the first-years play as starters to test their skills outside of a practice setting. Katsa played all four quarters along with the other four, so they were all exhausted by the end.

It was perhaps thanks to the amount that they played in one go that made them barely win. They were all thirteen year olds, and didn’t have much stamina yet. For that reason, they began to slip up a little near the end. A fumbled pass here, a missed shot there. Little things, but together they made it so that Teiko only won by five points.

Shirogane didn’t like that. He didn’t like that at all. So, at the next practice after the match, he set about enforcing the rule they all knew by heart.

“Ever-victorious.”

Losing was not an option. Katsa understood that, and she understood that her slip ups could have cost them the game. So, she took her punishment, just like all the others did.

For Katsa, it was running laps around the gym for four hours. If she went too slow, five shots were added to the amount Shintaro had to shoot. By the end, all she could do was lie on the ground and think about her failings as a basketball player.

Shintaro was to shoot baskets until he got two hundred in a row. Every time he missed was a day that he wasn’t allowed to bring his lucky item into the gym.

Aomine was doing whatever drills coach wanted him to do until Shintaro finished shooting. Which meant that if Katsa slowed down, she hurt him too, not just her best friend.

Akashi and Murasakibara were to play one-on-ones for as long as it took for Katsa to finish running, Shintaro to finish shooting, and Aomine to finish the drills. If coach caught them slacking, he added on more time to the three others.

Katsa wanted to die by the end of it. But she knew it had strengthened the team. Katsa needed to get faster and have greater endurance. Shintaro was already a genius at shooting, so with more practice he could become unstoppable. Aomine had the passion, but he was unrefined. He needed practice. Akashi had the ability to become an amazing leader, he just needed that extra edge. Once he became able to beat everyone in his path, he would be a force to be reckoned with. Murasakibara lacked the passion that Aomine had in abundance, but once he respected you he was willing to work. If Akashi beat him enough times, then maybe he would be willing to put in that extra effort.

Katsa honestly didn’t see anything wrong with what the coach was doing, though the others complained plenty. She didn’t understand why they didn’t want to become stronger.

(Katsa might not have seen it, but what the coach was doing was wrong. Winning was not everything, and it was not worth breaking children for. Shirogane saw nothing but bringing Teiko to the top. He didn’t see the cruelness of his actions then, and he wouldn’t even after he went beyond what any normal person would see as okay. He wouldn’t see these children shatter, wouldn’t see them become shadows of what they could have been. He would only see them standing at the top, where no one could push them down from their pedestal.)

(The four others also didn’t see how what the coach was doing to them was wrong. They thought they were getting stronger, even if they complained about the way he did it. They would not realize what was happening until it was too late, until Shirogane’s hands were slick with their blood and futures.)

(They just wanted to play basketball. That’s all they ever wanted to do.)

* * *

Katsa would have been fine going straight home and sleeping for hours after basketball practice, but Momoi Satsuki had other ideas. It had been several days since coach punished them; it was a Friday. Katsa was still sore all over, and it hurt to move. All the others were in similar states.

The soreness was bad enough that Katsa had to ask Sirius to walk Loki, though she didn’t tell him the real reason why. She just said that she was sore from the game, not mentioning anything about the punishment. She wasn’t sure why, but she didn’t think Sirius would be happy about it.

So yeah, Katsa was looking forward to sleeping until she met up with Sora. But it was near impossible to say no to Momoi when she did her puppy dog eyes, and Katsa was really too tired to argue.

Momoi Satsuki was the first-string manager and best friend of Aomine Daiki. She was also a firm believer that people on a team should be friends. So, she asked (coerced) the other first years to go out for snacks after practice. Everyone else said yes (or at least, they didn’t say no) so Katsa agreed to go too.

She was glad she did. Hanging out with the team was… fun. Not the same kind of fun as playing with Loki or talking with Sora, but fun in its own way.

It became a tradition. Every Friday, they went out for snacks or ice cream or whatever they were in the mood for. It got less awkward over time.

They hung out other times too. They began to talk more at practice, and the people who were in the same class talked then too. Katsa was in a class with Akashi and Murasakibara. When the teacher let them work in groups, they worked together.

Akashi was a good person to do school work with, Murasakibara not so much. They kind of evened out. They were both nice enough though, and Katsa felt herself begin to relax around them.

Lunches were still just Katsa, Shintaro, and Kuroko. Katsa didn’t know what the others did for their lunch, but she was content with the current set up. Too much change in too little time was stressful.

There was another change. Another first year joined the first string. His name was Haizaki Shougo.

In short, Haizaki was a jerk. Like, a really big one.

He didn’t even seem to care about basketball all that much. He barely went to practice, he harassed the managers, and he was constantly making advances on Katsa.

Katsa didn’t like him at all. But he was good at basketball, and that was all that mattered to the coach. So, he got to stay.

Haizaki was not invited to the weekly hangouts after practice. Even if he was, Katsa very much doubted that he would go. Katsa was glad for that. She didn’t feel safe around him.

She still practiced with Kuroko. He was still struggling, but Katsa liked to think that he had improved. He was also still as ghost-like as ever.

Katsa had heard the rumors. People thought that the fourth gym was haunted. Probably because Kuroko practiced there every day, even when Katsa wasn’t there. She only did the extra practice on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Her teammates talked about it. They thought that there was the ghost of a dead player in there. Katsa and Shintaro could have told them the truth, but they agreed that it was much funnier observing.

It turned out to be a good decision. Aomine was dared to go into the gym, and he met Kuroko. He began to practice with him.

Katsa quietly stopped doing extra practice in the fourth gym. Aomine could help Kuroko more than Katsa ever could. She didn’t want to get in the way. She still ate lunch with Kuroko, of course, but he didn’t need her help with basketball anymore.

She didn’t stop extra practice altogether. She spent the days she had spent in the fourth gym with Sora. Their meetings went from being just on the weekends to being Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. They spent some time practicing basketball, and some time with Sora tutoring Katsa in magic. Sirius did his best to teach Katsa, but he wasn’t equipped to teach anything other than his best subjects. Sora helped Katsa with Potions mostly, but also some basic studying things like History and the theory behind Care of Magical Creatures. 

Katsa loved spending time with Sora. When she was with them, she actually had fun. She didn’t smile as often when she was with them, but that was just because Sora made her promise not to smile unless she wanted to. It made their hang outs all the more relaxing, knowing that she didn’t have to pretend. That made her have more fun, which in turn made it so she didn’t have to force any emotions.

Emotions were getting harder and harder for Katsa. It was like they had to be pushed through a filter. Sometimes the holes were smaller, sometimes they were bigger. Her ability to feel changed by the day.

Katsa ignored her troubles with emotion. She had other things to worry about. Basketball, for one. School work, both magical and muggle. Her friendships. Being a good goddaughter. Being someone her parents would be proud of.

Emotions would just get in the way. Besides, it was such a stupid thing to worry about. She had loving family and friends, plenty of money, and access to a great education. She might have been an orphan, but so many people had it worse than her.

Katsa had no right to complain, so she wouldn’t. She would keep going, and ignore all the bad stuff. She just needed to put all her attention to the good stuff—like Sora.

Katsa… really admired Sora. They were a role model to her, and she hoped that one day she could be like them. She knew that Sora didn’t have many friends, but they kept such a positive outlook in life. They were so supportive and kind and they didn’t look at Katsa weird when she acted on her compulsions.

That was another thing. Her compulsions. It had started small. Tensing her muscles in a certain way without even thinking about it. Every time she walked over a sidewalk crack, alternating feet hitting it at the center of her foot. Pushing her fingers into the locks of every door she opened. Having to put her water bottle down several times to make sure all sides hit the table at the same time. Scrolling up on the computer screen in a way that made that little strip of white appear at the top when there was nowhere else to scroll up to; doing that a couple dozen times.

She knew that she didn’t _have_ to do any of those things. But doing them made her feel good. When she didn’t do them, this tight ball of nervous energy rose in her chest. It spread down her legs and arms and settled there, humming just below the surface. She felt like she was going to explode when she didn’t do them, so it was so much easier when she did them. Besides, it caused her to feel things (even if they were negative), which was always a plus.

Most of them were subtle enough that people didn’t notice. But when they did, Katsa got weird looks. Sora didn’t give her weird looks. That was yet another reason she admired them so much.

Katsa knew that she should probably tell someone about the compulsions. But they weren’t hurting anyone, and she didn’t want to bother anyone.

(Katsa, of course, didn’t realize that she counted as someone. She ignored that she was hurting, and that it was bothering her. She also didn’t realize that the people who cared for her would much rather her tell them and bother them than her bottle it up inside.)

So Katsa ignored the lack of feelings and the compulsions. She ignored them for a very long time. By the time she would speak up, it would already be too late. And that is perhaps one of Potter Katsa’s greatest flaws. She never knew when to count herself as a person, and didn’t realize that she wasn’t an inconvenience to the people around her. This was a theme that would continue for the rest of her life and cause her much pain and suffering. But that was later. Katsa didn’t have to worry about later yet. She just had to worry about now.

* * *

It happened like this:

There was clearly something wrong going on Katsa’s life. She ignored it like you ignore the annoying kid in class that’s acting out to get attention.

It started like this:

Katsa had had the compulsions for longer than she could remember. The lack of emotions started up around when she entered Junior High.

It continued like this:

It didn’t get better. It just got worse and worse.

It ended like this:

Katsa was spiraling. And she didn’t know how to stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’ve finished chapter ten, though it was a difficult one. It’s the longest of the fic so far at over 3,400 words, and is also the darkest and angstiest of the first ten chapters. Will have to see if I can top that in later chapters in either regard.  
> (Also, in chapter ten, the Bad Thing™ happened. Can any of you readers guess what it is?)
> 
> I’ve also finished chapter eleven, though it took like three rewrites. I’m way more proud of chapter ten though.
> 
> Fun fact of the chapter: I’ve written most of this story with Youtube let’s play of horror games as background noise.
> 
> Also, don’t worry about the dog. Loki is one of the only characters safe from any sort of harm.
> 
> I don't yet know where Katsa is going to go to high school. I am open to making this a Haikyuu!! crossover. I welcome your thoughts! Do you want to keep this in the KnB universe, or should I branch out? Katsa's fate is in your hands!


	5. To You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Kuroko no Basuke.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Coming out scene
> 
> If you’d like me to add any trigger warnings, feel free to leave a comment on here or AO3 or message me on my tumblr, @snowlikestardust. For that matter, if you’d like to talk to me at all, you can do that too! I’m way more friendly than my writing might lead you to believe.

The first time Katsa heard the word “bisexual” was while watching a TV show with Momoi during a sleepover at the manager’s house. After, Katsa had gone to the library and looked the word up.

A person who is sexually attracted to both men and women. Katsa didn’t know there was a word for that.

Katsa had never really gotten crushes. But she knew that she found guys attractive, and she found girls attractive too. That was simply something that was. She never considered that there might be people like her.

She thought about it for weeks, rolling “bisexual” around her mind. It felt right.

Sirius was the first one she told. It was after they had just wrestled. They were lying across the floor, Loki between them, panting for breath.

“I’m bisexual.”

Katsa stared up at the ceiling, praying that Sirius wouldn’t hate her.

“So am I.”

Katsa’s head shot up. She looked at Sirius, and he looked back. “Oh,” She said.

Sirius grinned and reached over Loki to ruffle her hair. “Oh,” he agreed.

Remus was the next person she told. Luckily, he visited soon after Katsa told Sirius. She needn’t have worried. He gave her a hug and told her that he was glad she was comfortable telling him. Then Sirius had seen them hugging, and joined in, complaining about being excluded. Katsa felt loved, trapped between them.

Next was Sora.

They were playing a one-on-one. They’d been at it for hours. Sora mentioned something about how she couldn’t even move in a straight line, and Katsa quipped back something that outed her. Sora looked positively delighted, and gave back her own joke to do with her LGBTQ+ status.

Katsa didn’t come out to anybody else. She had told Sirius and Remus because she wanted to, and Sora because she wanted someone near her own age to talk about it with. But she didn’t owe anyone else her coming out, and she didn’t particularly want to risk losing her friends.

(Katsa, for once, actually realized that she didn’t have to give away her happiness for other people. Of course, she didn’t realize that any friend who didn’t accept her wasn’t worth having quite yet, but it was the baby steps that counted.)

Overall, realizing her sexuality was an experience that turned out alright. Her bisexuality would be one of the few things that stuck with her through everything and didn’t end up backfiring. And for what was coming, she needed as many positive things in her life as possible.

* * *

For all that Katsa liked having new friends, Shintaro would always be her first and best friend. This was clear to her as they sat in his room, shoulder to shoulder, both doing their homework.

Katsa didn’t like being touched very much. She knew Shintaro didn’t particularly care for it either. But with each other, it was easier.

“Are you doing okay, spending so much time with so many other people?” Katsa asked. She was worried about him. He hadn’t had the best experiences with other people his age, especially people on the same basketball team as him.

Shintaro shifted uncomfortably. “It’s not that many people.”

He was avoiding answering the question. “To us it is. Seriously, are you alright?”

A pause, then, “It’s hard sometimes. It takes a lot of energy to interact with so many people.”

“Yeah. It makes me wish that I had never made myself up to be someone who laughs and smiles. Now I can’t get away with not doing it like you can.”

Shintaro rolled his eyes. “You don’t have to laugh and smile. You just want to.”

“Oh, trust me, I want anything but that. I just don’t want to disappoint anyone.”

Shintaro fiddled with his lucky item of the day (a hand-held mirror). “I can understand that.”

Katsa closed her eyes and leaned her head back. She was glad that she had Shintaro. She didn’t know how she would have handled being friends with someone who didn’t understand the exhaustion social interaction brought on.

A phone dinged; they both knew it was Shintaro’s, because Katsa didn’t have a phone (technology not agreeing with magic and all).

Shintaro looked at his phone and frowned. “My father is not coming home for dinner tonight. Something came up at work.”

Shintaro’s father was one of the best surgeons in the country. He made lots of money and helped lots of lives, but he also left Shintaro alone a lot. He was a nice enough man, but Katsa couldn’t bring herself to like someone who left Shintaro so lonely.

“Why don’t we go get something to eat together? There’s a new restaurant that just opened up.”

Shintaro looked up in shock. A small smile flitted over his face, disappearing before Katsa could comprehend its existence.

“Yeah. That’d be nice.”

* * *

As much as Sirius hated her doing it, Katsa felt herself drawn to playing streetball.

It was Aomine that got her hooked on it. He invited everyone on the team to hang out over weekend and play some. Everyone else agreed, but Katsa was in a good mood so she said yes.

It was addictive. It was faster and harder and had way less rules. Sirius didn’t like her being around all the tough guys streetball attracted, but it wasn’t like she was alone. Aomine and Momoi were there. And Aomine cut a pretty intimidating figure for a fourteen-year-old.

“Coach is going to kill the both of you if he finds out that you’re doing this,” Momoi said in a voice that conveyed that she knew nothing she said or did would stop Aomine. Katsa would normally stop at a threat like that, but she had told Aomine she would do it, so she would. So, she just laughed off what Momoi said and took a second to pet Loki. (Loki was there as a guard dog, so that her overprotective godfather could feel the teensiest bit better about her being on the streets.)

She played. And even though she hated to say positive things about herself, she played well. She ran circles around her opponents, her small form and natural speed making her the fastest on the court. She and Aomine worked as a team, and together they were unstoppable.

After, when all the guys they beat wandered off, Katsa and Aomine played a one-on-one. Aomine won, but only by one point.

Katsa was panting hard after playing for hours on end. Her shirt was soaked in sweat, her water bottle long since empty. She lay on the ground breathlessly, Loki sitting by her side faithfully. Aomine was in a similar state, though he was much better off than her. Momoi sat between them, playing with Loki’s ears.

“Wanna go get burgers? There’s a good place near here, and I’m pretty sure it allows dogs,” Aomine asked.

Both girls agreed, so they went.

Momoi supplied most of the conversation. Aomine didn’t really care about anything other than basketball and Katsa was awkward. Momoi didn’t seem to mind.

Katsa was glad that she was friends with them. She almost felt happy with them, something that was becoming hard to come by.

(The one-on-ones with Aomine would be part of what broke her and part of what broke him. They were also what fixed them, just a little. It almost evened out.)

* * *

Out of all the perks on being raised on both English customs and Japanese customs, the best one by far was the fact that she was multi-lingual. She was always at the top of English class in school, and she had no difficulty with it whatsoever.

The downside was that she was expected to help her peers. Which she didn’t mind all that much, except for the _interacting with her peers_ part. Katsa had friends, sure, but those were all made through basketball. Katsa could not bring a basketball into class, and even if she could it would not be worth the weird looks she got, nor would it really help the situation

So, when her teacher asked her to tutor someone, Katsa was terrified.

(Of course, to her, saying no wasn’t an option.)

Katsa spent the few moments between saying yes and finding out who she would be tutoring in utter panic. Then, she found out who it was.

“I’d like you to tutor Murasakibara-san. I believe you are on the same basketball team, so you should have no issue.”

Katsa felt the tension drain out of her, the come right back when she realized the implications of teaching Murasakibara. On one hand, he was someone she could consider a friend. On the other, he was notoriously hard to handle, and she didn’t want to damage their relationship by trying to control him.

In the end, it turned out her doubts didn’t matter all that much. Murasakibara was willing enough to learn if you knew how to present the information.

Food, both literal and imaginary, was the key. He was willing to do work if it had to do with food, so Katsa taught him the grammar rules in sentences to do with food. For the times when they were doing practice with things not to do with food, she gave him physical things to snack on.

The tutoring went on for three months before his grades were raised to an acceptable level. It stopped after that, but he didn’t stop bringing her snacks he thought he’d like, and she didn’t stop giving him English sweets Sirius procured.

(And if she occasionally slipped him a wizarding candy, no one had to know. Katsa liked seeing her friends happy, so she was willing to look past a few rules.)

* * *

Katsa really hadn’t thought Akashi could be any more perfect. Then she saw him with Loki.

First, a couple of facts about Akashi Seijuro.

One, he was the perfect student, exceling in every class.

Two, he was the perfect heir. He played the violin beautifully, he listened to all of his lessons, and he interacted with the people his father worked with in such a way that they all became enchanted with him. 

And finally, three, he was the perfect basketball player. He made the least number of mistakes out of all of them, and so he got the least amount of punishments. That didn’t stop him from helping the others out after their punishments though. He carried their book bags and helped them walk home.

That was what he was doing now. Katsa had just full out sprinted for the entire duration of practice while also handling the ball, something she did as a result of fumbling a pass in the post recent game. She could barely walk, so Akashi volunteered to walk her home.

Katsa didn’t like the idea of bothering him, but it was impossible for her to tell him no when he smiled at her in that special way he did. She had a hard time saying no in the first place, doubly so when it was one of her friends.

So, Katsa let Akashi walk her home. Then, when they arrived at her house, she invited him over for dinner. (The house had been made muggle friendly by Sirius in the hopes that she would bring her friends over.)

Sirius was thrilled. He loved when Katsa made friends, so he was practically falling over himself to make Akashi want to come back. And of course, Akashi was his usual charming self, so he made Sirius love him even more.

Katsa was enjoying herself (not having fun exactly, but close enough to it). She thought the night couldn’t get any better.

Then Akashi met Loki.

Katsa had never seen someone melt so fast.

Because of course Akashi just _had_ to be a dog person. And dogs just _had_ to love him back.  
Katsa didn’t even mind that Akashi forgot she was there for a solid ten minutes while he loved on Loki. It was just that cute.

Loki’s tail was wagging so hard that his whole body shook. Akashi was grinning and rubbing his hands all over the dog’s coat.

“I think he likes you.”

Akashi laughed. “Well I like him too. He’s an angel.”

Katsa agreed very much, and she told him so.

Katsa wished she could spend the rest of her life like this, playing with her dog and laughing with her friends. She might have even believed, if only for just a short while. But there was always this part of her, this nagging voice in the back of her mind, that said that things were going to go wrong, that she couldn’t be happy. And that voice was right. 

* * *

Katsa didn’t deserve having Nijimura Shuuzou as a captain. Really, none of them did. He put up with a lot. And later, he would be one of the few people who never gave up on them. He expected them to be their best selves, but didn’t push them beyond what they were capable of. He wasn’t patient, exactly, but he wasn’t like the coach was. He was aware of their limits, and tried to increase them as opposed to ignoring them.

(Plus, it was really fun to watch him put Haizaki in line. Coach didn’t bother to as long as he played well in games, and Haizaki didn’t listen to Akashi, the vice-captain. Nijimura had both the willpower and the fists to control him.)

Though above all of his other great qualities, the thing that truly put him in a special place in Katsa’s heart was the fact that he saw her as a person.

Katsa had problems when it came to that. Her friends were kind to her, sure, but they saw her more as an idea than a person. They saw her as a friend, and a good basketball player, but they didn’t really stop to think that she was something more than the titles they could assign to her. They all had the same problem. They didn’t realize that the people around them lead full-fledged lives beyond what they were aware of.

The people she didn’t know were worse. They saw her as someone to gossip about, to talk about and fill empty conversations with. They didn’t know her life, but they pretended to.

Coach was the worst. He saw her as a prize to show off and polish. He saw her as nothing but a means to an end, and he was willing to do anything to win. Even if that meant destroying her.

Nijimura wasn’t like that. He acknowledged her flaws, but he didn’t see her as any less for it. And…

He was kind. They weren’t friends, or related, and he had no obligation to be kind as a captain, he could be strict and mean. But he said good morning to her, and handed her water bottle to her. He helped her up on the days when coach made her run for longer than she was able and she couldn’t help but fall down. He didn’t… he didn’t do that thing people did, when they said oh, you’re good. For a girl. He didn’t automatically put her as something less because of her gender. She didn’t have to work harder than everyone else, because in his eyes she was already at the level of everyone else.

Katsa thought about thanking him, sometimes. But she didn’t have the guts, nor the articulation, to convey the message.

She’d feel guilty about that later. But for now, she just enjoyed feeling like a person.

* * *

It happened like this:

 

Katsa had friends. She felt lucky to have them.

 

It continued like this:

 

Every day she spent with her friends was a day she felt better about herself.

 

It continued like this:

 

She didn’t want to ruin it. She was so, so scared of messing things up.

 

It ended like this:

 

Her friendships didn’t end. But neither did her fears. She decided that it was worth it. Her friends were worth it. Now if only she could believe that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Right now I am working on chapter thirteen. The total word count is around 27,500 words!
> 
> And we’ve reached ten thousand words in what I’ve posted! Woo!
> 
> So far there are three votes on making this a Haikyuu!! crossover and one against that.
> 
> Okay, so three questions:  
> 1\. Do you want her to go to a KnB crossover or a Haikyuu!! crosssover?  
> 2\. If I end up doing KnB, what school would you want her to go to?  
> 3\. If it's a Haikyuu!! crossover, it's going to be Nekoma. Does anyone know what the character relationships are in Nekoma? Also, popular Fanon, and fics that you think would help me get the hang of the characters?


	6. We Find Ourselves Where It All Went Wrong

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own HP or KnB.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Harsh punishments and toxic thinking.
> 
> If you’d like me to add any trigger warnings, feel free to leave a comment on here or AO3 or message me on my tumblr, @snowlikestardust. For that matter, if you’d like to talk to me at all, you can do that too! I’m way more friendly than my writing might lead you to believe.
> 
> If at any time you believe that the things included in the trigger warnings will make you uncomfortable or harm you in any way, contact me and I’ll give you a summary of the chapter.

The others found out about Kuroko. They went to talk to him. Katsa didn’t go; she didn’t want to get in the way of whatever the might be doing.

Shintaro told her what happened, after. Akashi talked with him, and gave him the push needed to get onto the first string.

A couple of weeks later, Kuroko joined the first string as a phantom sixth man. He didn’t mention the practices he and Katsa had, so Katsa didn’t either. He did join them on their weekly outings, and Katsa talked to him then.

The way Kuroko was using his low presence to his advantage… Katsa never would have thought of it. That was why Akashi was the vice-captain, she supposed.

Kuroko was practicing misdirection, something most often used in card tricks. He wasn’t great at it yet, but with the help of the rest of the team, Katsa had no doubt that he could improve.

What Katsa was really worried about was the coach. Kuroko was frail and unable to take the harsh punishments the coach dealt out, and he made more mistakes than any of them.

He couldn’t make a shot to save his life, and the hours coach made him shoot on end didn’t help at all. He didn’t even have the stamina Shintaro possessed, so he was left suffering greatly.

He couldn’t run for hours like Katsa could. Heck, he couldn’t run the same amount they did as regular practice, so he definitely couldn’t do the same punishments she could.

He couldn’t play one on one, or do endless drills, or any of the punishments the others suffered. This didn’t stop the coach from assigning them though.

The way that punishments worked was that if you messed up, you were punished. It didn’t matter if it was in a real game, a practice game, or practice. The only option was victory, and if you went against that, you were punished.

Even before Kuroko played in his first game, he messed up a lot. For him, practice was less practice and more punishment.

Katsa wasn’t sure when Coach decided that punishing Kuroko the normal way would be useless. But it happened, and Coach started looking at Kuroko in a different way.

Kuroko was held to different standards. He didn’t have to make baskets or win one-on-ones. He just had to connect the passes.

It was when Kuroko fumbled the ball that he was punished. After a while, Kuroko learned not to fumble the ball.

Katsa still made mistakes. She lost one-on-ones sometimes, and she couldn’t always run for as long or as fast as she was supposed to.

Katsa felt disappointed in herself when the coach felt the need to punish her. In her eyes, she saw that making mistakes was the Wrong Thing, and Wrong Things needed to be punished. She never felt resentful of the coach for punishing her. He was just being a good coach.

(It was this toxic thinking that would ruin her—that would ruin all of them. It would just take Katsa lying in a hospital bed for her to realize that.)

Katsa tried not to pay too much attention on the others’ punishments, because she knew she didn’t like when other people watched her being punished. Her punishments varied depending on the mistake.

When she missed a basket, she was sent to a hoop apart from the rest of the kids to shoot baskets until she got whatever the number she missed times fifty.

When she fumbled a pass, she played a special game designed by the coach in which several second stringers threw basketballs at her, and she had to try to catch them all and pass them back. Any pass she missed meant getting hit by a basketball.

When whoever she was guarding got past her, she wasn’t allowed to practice anything but defense for a week. This was more a psychological punishment. Not practicing offense meant she was getting out of practice, and her offense was the best part of her. If she got out of practice, she would be worthless.

When she got the ball stolen from her, that meant she wasn’t fast enough. So, she full out sprinted until her legs collapsed from under her. This usually took several hours, and by the end of it she couldn’t walk.

Still, Katsa couldn’t complain. She usually had Shintaro to shoot with, and the extra practice helped fine tune her skills, and the others were always really nice about letting her ride on their backs when she couldn’t walk. And really, it was all her fault in the first place. If she didn’t make mistakes, she wouldn’t be punished. It was as simple as that.

Mistakes had to be punished. If she made too many mistakes without being punished, she would become a mistake herself. Mistakes had no place in the world. Katsa wanted to have a place in the world. No—she _needed_ to have a place in the world.

If she didn’t belong—if she didn’t _deserve_ to belong—then she was worth nothing at all. And that was a scary thought.

_She wanted to be worth something. Was that so much to ask?_

* * *

Katsa had been staring at the ceiling for four hours. It was three am. She couldn’t sleep.

It had been several months since she came out. For a while, she had been okay. She felt accepted, and honest to herself. But things just kept getting worse.

Katsa lifted her hand up in front of her eyes. It took more effort than it should have. She examined her hand closely, squinting through the darkness.

She didn’t feel real. She didn’t feel anything.

She dropped her hand down on her chest, felt it rise and fall with her breathing.

Sometimes, Katsa hated that she couldn’t just be _happy_. Because really, was that so much to ask for? She felt happiness sometimes, sure, but not like she could when she was younger. It was always muted and gray and _blah_.

It wasn’t fair. Why couldn’t she be happy? Why couldn’t she feel emotion? Why did she have to feel like dying half of the time? Why did she sometimes feel so depressed that she couldn’t even cry? Why, why, why? _It wasn’t fair._

She just wanted to feel again. _Was that too much to ask? To just feel something, anything?_

It was so _hard_. Everything was. Getting out of bed had molded from being annoying to being almost impossible. There was a fine layer of numbness floating above her skin. Everything that happened around her was like she was just watching a video of it happening, like she wasn’t there real-time.

Something was wrong with her. But she didn’t know how to fix it, so she did nothing at all.

She went to school in the morning. She excelled in all her classes. She went to basketball practice. She excelled there. She did her homework and walked Loki. She did some magic studies.

She did all of these things, but she wasn’t really there. She was going through the motions. Katsa couldn’t find it in herself to care.

Nobody noticed that anything was wrong. She made sure of that.

Her first year of muggle school was coming to an end. A lot had happened since a year ago.

Teiko won nationals with an all-first-year team. Katsa had six friends. She had come out to her godfather, uncle, and role model, and they accepted her. Things were going right.

_So why couldn’t she feel anything? Why was she so numb? Why did she not feel the effects of the punishments anymore? Was she not working hard enough? Was she doing something wrong?_

It felt like she couldn’t get any lower. Then she did.

* * *

Katsa was nervous. Sirius and Remus were sitting across from her at the kitchen table, way too serious (ha) for a duo of pranksters. They told her that they wanted to talk with her. It didn’t sound good.

It was a couple days after her first year of Junior High ended. She was on break for about a week more before spring break ended and school began.

“Katsa,” Remus began. “We’re going to tell you something important. It’s important that you let us explain fully before reacting. Do you understand?”

“I understand,” she said quietly, terrified out of her mind.

And so, they told her. About He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and a prophecy and the Girl-Who-Lived and the truth behind how she got her scar.

After, they sat in silence. Katsa was desperately trying to wrap her mind around it all.

She was supposed to be the savior of Britain. Instead, she was behind on her magical studies, getting ranks less than first in her class at Teiko, making mistakes in basketball. She was a disappointment.

She would have to try harder, she decided. She would be victorious. That was the only option.

She would rise to the top. She would be perfect. She would be someone to be proud of. She wouldn’t let the wizarding world down any longer.

Her godfather and uncle asked her if she was okay. She said she was.

(But she wasn’t. She knew that she wasn’t okay. She wasn’t good enough. Not yet. She had to try harder.)

Sirius gave her a hug, then Remus did. Katsa smiled at them, and they looked relieved.

She was going to rise above her flaws. That was the only option.

* * *

It happened like this:

Katsa wasn’t perfect. But she was determined to rise to it.

It started like this:

Katsa found out about being the Girl-Who-Lived.

It continued like this:

Katsa didn’t want to disappoint all of the people who saw her as a savior. She didn’t want to disappoint her parents, her godfather, her uncle, her friends.

It ended like this:

Katsa was terrified of messing up.

It didn’t end. It kept building up and getting worse and worse.

Why couldn’t it just end?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am working on chapter fourteen right now, and the total word count of the fic is a little under 30,000 words (!). I’m at the break between second and third year right now, though I’m pretty sure there’s going to be a bit of a time skip soon to closer to the end of third year.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who’s voted on where Katsa ends up in high school! I have to say, I’m leaning towards a KnB school, simply because the HQ!! anime hasn’t covered nationals yet and I don’t know what happens.
> 
> So, what’s your preferred KnB school? I'm thinking either Rakuzan or Seirin, because those are my favs. Thoughts?


	7. Part of Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own KnB or HP.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Harsh punishments and toxic thinking (including obsessive thoughts of perfection).
> 
> If you’d like me to add any trigger warnings, feel free to leave a comment on here or AO3 or message me on my tumblr, @snowlikestardust. For that matter, if you’d like to talk to me at all, you can do that too! I’m way more friendly than my writing might lead you to believe.
> 
> If at any time you believe that the things included in the trigger warnings will make you uncomfortable or harm you in any way, contact me and I’ll give you a summary of the chapter.

Katsa went into second year determined. She was going to get first in her class, do so well that Coach didn’t have to punish her, and excel beyond the normal fourteen-year-old witch. She had to.

She was in the same class as Akashi again, though this time there were no other people on the first string with them. She didn’t mind not being with more of her friends, because they all ate lunch together on the rooftop, practiced with each other, helped each other after the punishments, and went out for snacks/ice cream every Friday.

Katsa did well. She got near-perfect marks on her exams, hardly ever had to be punished, and Sirius complimented her on her magic studies. It wasn’t good enough.

“Near-perfect” was still a mistake, and mistakes were not optional. “Hardly ever punished” was still being punished sometimes, and Coach only punished her when she did something wrong. Sirius complimented her because he was her godfather, not because she deserved it.

The only point in her life where she felt like she was doing the right thing was with Sora.

For Sora, the only time when Katsa was making a mistake was when she pushed herself too hard. They had actually told Katsa that they preferred it when she made mistakes, because that meant they could still feel like a role model. If Katsa became too perfect with them, Sora explained, she wouldn’t have any need for Sora.

Katsa didn’t want to hurt Sora, because that would be a mistake. So Katsa didn’t worry about being perfect with them, because being perfect with them meant that she wasn’t actually being perfect. It hurt Katsa’s brain to think about, so she didn’t dwell on it.

She did feel the need to be perfect for her other friends. 

She always did her best when playing streetball with Aomine, because she didn’t want him to decide that he would rather play alone. 

She was a constant pillar for support for Shintaro, even when she could barely emotionally support herself, because Shintaro deserved people to care for him. 

She tutored Murasakibara to the best of her ability, because it wasn’t fair to him to do badly in school because of her failings.

She always did any group projects with Akashi, and did more than her fair share of work. When he walked her home, she was the perfect host, she invited him, she asked him to have dinner with her.

She used all the observational skills she had to see Kuroko, because he went unnoticed more than he should have. Even if it was tiring to keep a constant eye out, it was worth it.

She strived for perfection in everything she did. And most of the time, she even succeeded. 

(What a trivial concept. Perfection. Something unattainable, yet something humanity constantly strived for. There’s nothing wrong about being less than perfect. If someone were to reach perfection, they would no longer be human. 

And that was the crux of the matter. Katsa didn’t realize that there was nothing wrong with being human. She thought that because she cheated death, she owed the world something more. But after a certain point, she became unable to give more than she already had. This wouldn’t stop her. She would give and give and give. She’d give until there was nothing left. She would give up the good parts of humanity to get rid of the bad parts. She’d give up everything. Everything. And no one can know if she’ll ever be able to get it back.)

* * *

Katsa felt like dying. She couldn’t tell if it was because her legs hurt so much she felt like she was physically dying, or if she was in enough pain that she wished she was dying. She felt like dying most of the time anyway, so she didn’t bother herself figuring it out.  
Honestly, if she didn’t have such good friends, she didn’t know what she would do.  
Murasakibara was currently giving her a piggyback ride. They were on their way to the local convenience store for ice cream. Katsa had just run about thirty miles, not stopping for breaks. She didn’t know much about healthy run distances for middle schoolers, so she didn’t know if her time was up to standard. She just knew that she was exhausted.  
“You are very comfortable,” she told Murasakibara. He hummed in reply.  
“So, who do you think the most comfortable person on the team is?” Momoi asked her. When Katsa looked at her, she saw a mischievous grin on her face.  
Katsa thought about it. “I don’t think I have enough data to say,” she decided. There was a silence, then she felt herself being lifted off Murasakibara’s back. She squeaked in shock as Aomine scooped her into a bridal carry.  
“Well, we’ll just have to provide the data you need to decide. I can’t lose out to these losers,” Aomine told her. Katsa laughed, and allowed herself to relax in his grip. The others joined her (in laughing, not in being Aomine’s arms), and Katsa felt at peace.  
Being exhausted was bearable when she had her friends to help her out. She didn’t like them seeing her as less than perfect, but if it made them happy, she was willing to show some weakness.  
She still felt like dying, because her whole body ached and she could barely stand, and she always had a constant underlying depression. But that was okay. As long as she didn’t show it, everything would be okay. She didn’t have to be okay on the inside to be perfect on the outside.  
It wasn’t even that she had to constantly be above everyone. She just didn’t want to disappoint anyone. And the way to make everyone—Sirius, Remus, Sora, her parents, her team—proud of her was to get good grades, be the best at basketball, and be a good god-daughter/niece/daughter/friend.  
Perfect didn’t have an exact definition. If it did, it wouldn’t be so hard to achieve. But Katsa believed she could do it. She could—she _would_ —make everyone proud.

Sirius was good at a lot of things. He was excellent at transfiguration and charms, so much that he was an animagus and a talented prankster. He was, however, absolutely awful at potions. That was where Sora came in.

“No, those slices are much too thick, try it like this,” he told her, grabbing the knife from her hands and showing her the proper technique. Katsa watched carefully. 

Sora was tutoring her in potions, a subject Sirius was not exactly qualified to teach. Sora wasn’t really qualified either, since he was only sixteen, but he was quite good at his studies. (He had once joked that his success in school was only because he lacked a social life outside of Katsa. Katsa didn’t know about that, but she didn’t say anything.)

Katsa liked spending time with Sora. She felt safe around him.

“You get it?” he asked her.

Katsa bit her lip in concentration. “I think so. You need to add the root in last, because otherwise it will cause the potion to lump up. When you add in the other ingredients first, it keeps the potion a liquid.”

He gave her a small smile. Katsa felt herself fill up with happiness; she loved making Sora proud of her.

“Good. You think you’re ready to move onto the next topic?”

“Mm-hmm. That’s on pepperup, right?”

“Yeah. If you get the concept, hopefully you’ll be able to make some for next winter. When you can make a good pepperup potion, people are all to willing to be nice to you.”

“Do you think I’d be able to give it to my muggle friends? If I tell them it’s a home recipe?”  
Sora’s lips tugged down into a frown, and Katsa immediately regretted asking. “I’m sorry sweetie, I don’t think it would work on muggles.”

“Oh,” Katsa fiddled with her sleeve. “Okay.”

It wasn’t fair that potions that cured illnesses didn’t work on muggles. Katsa was sure that if someone cared enough to try, they could figure out how to help muggle people with magical means. It was just that no one with the ability to help thought muggles worth the time and effort.

“Hey,” Sora said, putting a hand on her shoulder. “It’s not like pepperup cures anything major. It’s just colds and stuff like that.”

“Yeah,” Katsa said. “Yeah.”

It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair at all.

* * *

Katsa let herself laugh a little as she collapsed against her godfather’s side. They had been wrestling for a while and were now snuggled together on the coach.  
Katsa’s head was on Sirius’s chest, and she could hear his heartbeat. His breaths pushed her head up and down. Loki was on the couch beside her, his head snuggled into her side.

“I love you kid, you know that?”

Katsa closed her eyes in contentment. “I love you too.”

Sirius began to run his hand through her hair; Katsa melted into his touch.

“The kids at my school have been crazy lately. They can’t seem to calm down enough for me to teach. Translates well on the Quidditch team though.”

Katsa stayed silent for a moment before realizing she was probably supposed to reply. “My teachers also have some trouble controlling the class sometimes. They really like Akashi-kun and me because we’re quiet and attentive.”

“I’m not surprised they like you two. You’re both quite likable.”

“Akashi-kun sure is a charmer, huh?”

“So are you. People see the goodness in you, and they’re drawn to you because of that.”

Katsa didn’t believe him. But she knew saying something would upset him, so she just said: “Yeah, I guess.”

She didn’t like lying. But it wasn’t a bad lie. It helped instead of hurt.

(It did hurt. It hurt her. But as mentioned before, she had trouble seeing herself as a person. And at this point, she couldn’t stop herself from that.)

* * *

It happened like this:

Katsa hurt sometimes. But sometimes she didn’t.

It started like this:

Katsa could almost feel happy sometimes. She didn’t know whether to feel shocked or relieved.

It continued like this:

It was something gradual. She didn’t realize what was happening until it was too late.

It ended like this:

The darkness was pressing in. But she ignored it, because if she could feel happiness, things must not have been so bad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you MG and Anna for beta reading <3
> 
> So, I have a notice for y’all. I might not continue this fic past junior high. I just don’t have the inspiration for high school, and I think I can wrap things up without going past Teiko. It’s not set in stone or anything, but it’s possible that this fic will end earlier than planned.
> 
> My beta reader, MG, has drawn fanfiction for this chapter! You can find it here: https://ace-attorney17.tumblr.com


	8. You Still Have All of Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own HP or KnB
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Abuse, toxic thinking, mental health issues.
> 
> If you'd like me to add any trigger warnings, feel free to leave a comment on here or AO3 or message me on my tumblr, @snowlikestardust. For that matter, if you'd like to talk to me at all, you can do that too! I'm way more friendly than my writing might lead you to believe.
> 
> If at any time you believe that the things included in the trigger warnings will make you uncomfortable or harm you in any way, contact me and I'll give you a summary of the chapter.

Katsa was shaking.

She was in her bed, Loki cuddled up to her side. She had messed up.

They were playing in a practice game, first versus second string. Katsa slipped, fell, and lost the ball.

She had never seen Coach Shirogane so mad. He had pulled her out of the game immediately. He left practice in the hands of Nijimura and taken her to his office.

He yelled for hours. She could still hear it echoing in her brain. He had gotten so angry. He… he…

Katsa had thought the punishments were harsh before.

Katsa was to spend the next couple of weeks doing drills and working in the weight room. That wasn’t weird, that was normal. Mistakes were punished with physical labor. But what he wanted her to do…

It was enough to be nearly impossible for a fully-grown man. Katsa was a fourteen-year-old girl.

Still, she couldn’t complain. She was imperfect. Coach was only trying to help her; he told her as much. With Coach’s help, she could become less of a mistake.

Her knowing it was necessary did not negate her exhaustion. Her whole body was trembling. Her only source of comfort was Loki’s warm presence at her side and the knowledge that she was improving herself.

 _Was it worth it?_ She found herself wondering sometimes, when her limbs were weighed down with pain and her mind was without distraction. _Was it worth trying to fix something that could not be fixed? Was she worth the redemption perfection would bring her? She was already so imperfect. How could she make up for all of the wrongs in her life?_

Was anything really worth it? Katsa sometimes couldn’t see the point in life. The only thing driving her was the idea of perfection. Only when she was perfection would she be deserving.

She wouldn’t disappoint her loved ones much longer. Just a little while more, and she could be worth something. She wouldn’t let herself be just another Mistake. She would be more. She would be perfection itself. She would be—she would be—

Katsa breathed in sharply as a sob wracked her chest. She felt tears slide down her cheeks.  
She didn’t understand. She couldn’t feel anything. Why was she crying when she didn’t feel any emotion? Why—why couldn’t she feel anything? Why was her body reacting when she was entirely empty inside?

_She didn’t understand. And she didn’t like that feeling at all._

* * *

“Your muscles are so cool!” Momoi exclaimed, touching Katsa’s arms lightly. Katsa laughed. It felt nice to be praised over a part of her that she earned.

“And your brains are so cool. Seriously, I don’t know how you come up with all those training regimens and strategies. It’s amazing.”

Katsa enjoyed her friendship with Momoi. She loved all the guys on the team, really, but sometimes the testosterone got to be too much. She really treasured the times she got to spend with Momoi; especially times like now, when Katsa’s muscles ached and her heart felt empty.

Katsa was on week three of the new training regimen. It was of the coach’s design, and harsh enough that Katsa missed the training assigned by Momoi dearly.

“I love your hair too,” Momoi told her, pulling on Katsa’s wild curls. “I wish mine was like that.”

“Ugh, trust me, you don’t want this. It’s constantly getting in my face, gets tangled in everything, and is almost impossible to tame. Plus, it’s such a boring color. I wish I had pretty pink hair like you.”

Momoi’s eyes widened comically. “Noooooo. Your hair is amazing! It has so much life to it! It’s sooo pretty!”

Katsa shifted. She liked compliments on things like her muscles, because she worked for those. She didn’t control her hair. “Thanks. I still maintain that yours is prettier though.”

“Well, we’ll just have to agree to disagree.”

“Yeah. Though if we asked any of the guys they’d pick you.”

“If we asked any of the guys they’d have an internal malfunction trying to decide. Those boys might be good basketball players, but they are not decision makers. And they’d freak out trying to find a way to reply that won’t hurt either of our feelings.”

Katsa thought about it. “Okay, yeah, I can see that. But they’d still think it’s you.”

“Agree to disagree, Potter-chan, agree to disagree.”

Katsa laughed. She wasn’t exactly happy, but she was having a nice time. If only all her life could have gone like that. Things would have been much easier.

* * *

Katsa looked at the shogi board carefully. “Hmm,” She said. “Exactly as I expected. You’ve defeated me so badly I would have been better off not playing.”

Akashi laughed, a sound that was made of sunshine. “It’s not the winning that matters. It’s the fun you have while your play.”

“You’re only saying that because you won. If you lost you’d be sulking in the corner.”

“I would not _sulk_. I am above that.”

Katsa rolled her eyes, then adopted a pose that was a mockery of Akashi’s stance. “Oh, look at me, I’m Akashi Seijuro. I’m above everyone around me. I’ve never been beaten in my life.”

Akashi laughed again, this time more openly. Katsa felt proud of herself for making him lose his composure in such a good way. “God, please don’t tell me I sound like that.”

Katsa put on an obviously fake thinking face. Then, after a few moments of deliberation: “I’m not sure that I can say that without lying.”

Akashi picked up a shogi piece and lightly tossed it at her. Katsa caught it with a smile.

She didn’t like losing, but she was pretty sure Akashi disliked losing even more. In situations like this, it was more important to be a perfect friend than a perfect winner. Being a perfect friend meant not getting upset over losing. She gave it her all, and she failed. That hurt, but it was worth it to be able to laugh with Akashi.

“I’m glad you’re my friend, Akashi-kun.”

Katsa felt a trill of anxiety after saying that. What if she was coming on too strong?

“I’m glad you’re my friend too, Potter-chan. And—“ Akashi paused. “Seijuro. Call me Seijuro.”

Katsa felt something that she thought might be happiness. “Then you can call me Katsa, Seijuro-kun.”

Akashi—no, _Seijuro—fiddled with a shogi piece. He grinned across the table. “Alright, _Katsa.__ ”

Katsa corrected herself in her mind. This was definitely what happiness felt like.

* * *

“I cannot believe you guys convinced me to do this,” Katsa said, eyes on her overgrown puppy.

“It makes a great photo opportunity though,” Momoi pointed out.

“And it looks really sick,” Aomine added.

Katsa hated to agree, but it did make Loki look amazing. They had strung fairy lights around him, and he looked beautiful. And he didn’t seem to mind them…

“I still maintain that you all are bad influences,” Katsa told them, fixing judging eyes on them.

“Yeah, yeah. You wanna take some pictures?” Aomine asked.

“Of course, I want to take some pictures. Shintaro, will you take pics of me and Momoi-chan?”

“Why Midorima-chin?” Murasakibara whined with a pout.

“Because Shintaro won’t drop the camera or get food all over it, and Seijuro would keep getting distracted by Loki and forget to take the pictures.”

Three people said “Hey,” and Katsa ignored them all.

They ended up taking a bunch of pictures with just Katsa, Momoi, and Loki. Then they dragged the others into the photos.

Katsa loved how they turned out. All of the photos were positively ethereal. She would come to treasure those photos, as would all of the others (though the big tough guys wouldn’t admit it). Katsa printed out the best ones and put it on her bulletin board.

Later, Katsa would see that Seijuro set the one of all of them except him, the one he took, as his phone background.

If Katsa had ever gotten a phone, she would have done the same. But magic didn’t work very well with electronics, so she went the majority of her life without one. So, she settled with keeping a photo tucked in the corner of her bathroom mirror.

* * *

Kise Ryouta. Katsa could think of a lot of words to describe him. Not many of them were positive.

He was a charming guy, really. But he was so _fake_. Katsa felt sick just looking at his pretend smiles. He could at least be a better actor.

None of the others notices his insincerity. Katsa probably only noticed because she knew what a fake smile was like—she saw one every time she looked in the mirror.

Kise joined the basketball team, and got on the first string within a matter of weeks. Katsa didn’t know how to feel about it.

She knew about Kise. He swept into sports clubs, outshone everyone, then quit when he got bored. It left a bad taste in her mouth.

She had no way of knowing if he was going to do the exact same thing in basketball. Or maybe, when he realized what talent lay in the basketball team—talent that he wouldn’t be able to beat—he would give up.

Plus, his fangirls were _really annoying_. What kind of middle schooler had fangirls anyway?

Katsa decided to wait it out. She wouldn’t judge him outright, but she wouldn’t be friendly with him either. If he lasted through Coach’s intense training, then she’d be willing to be nice.

* * *

It happened like this:

Kise met all her expectations and more. He got Haizaki off the team.

It started like this:

Katsa didn’t know that it was about Haizaki, but Coach let him do whatever he wanted, probably because he never made any mistakes. Katsa hated it. He was always looking at her with this filthy expression that promised horrible things.

Now, thanks to Kise, he was gone. That was enough to put Kise in Katsa’s good books.

It continued like this:

It didn’t take long for Kise to become integrated into the group. Someone (Katsa didn’t know who) started inviting him to all of their hangouts. She began to think of him as a friend.  
It continued like this:

Katsa was apprehensive about Kise. He was fake, and his smiles weren’t real, and he could be really pushy. She was terrified of the concept of there being another person to disappoint.

It ended like this:

Katsa was willing to try. She would be a good friend to Kise, she would put up with his fangirls, she would help him through Coach’s training. She’d _try_. And that didn’t end.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've made a Tumblr for updates on my fan fictions, @snowlikestardustwrites.


	9. These Days Die One By One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own KnB or HP.
> 
> Trigger Warnings: thoughts of self-harm, abuse, toxic thinking.
> 
> If you’d like me to add any trigger warnings, feel free to leave a comment on here or AO3 or message me on my tumblr. For that matter, if you’d like to talk to me at all, you can do that too! I’m way more friendly than my writing might lead you to believe.
> 
> If at any time you believe that the things included in the trigger warnings will make you uncomfortable or harm you in any way, contact me and I’ll give you a summary of the chapter.

_Breath in._

Katsa tapped her fingers. Left pinky, left ring, left middle, left pointer, left thumb, right thumb, right pointer, right middle, right ring, right pinky. Back across.

_Breath out._

She scrunched her feet up, once, twice, ten times. Again, ten times.

_Breath in._

Her breaths were catching in her throat. She was shaking all over.

_B-breath in. Breath IN._

She was alone in the house. Sirius was out on a walk with Loki. Katsa was exhausted from training, so Sirius made her stay home and rest.

_Why couldn’t she breath in?_

God, she was so pathetic. She couldn’t even take her dog on a walk. She should have been stronger than this.

_What’s the point in breathing anyway? Why not just be still?_

She couldn’t feel anything. Just… numbness.

_How long could she hold her breath?_

Coach Shirogane yelled at her at practice. Katsa slowed down on her fiftieth lap. She was a failure. She deserved the shouting. That didn’t make his words ring in her ears any less. It didn’t make her feel any less rattled.

_She- she had to breathe. Just one shallow breath, that’s all._

The things he told her… they were cruel. But she deserved them. She was Nothing. She had to be Better.

_What was the point in breathing anyway? She didn’t deserve it. She was going soft on herself. “One shallow breath.” Who was she kidding? She could go a while longer._

She was in the kitchen. She was in the kitchen, and there was a knife on the countertop. There was a knife and she couldn’t feel anything and her whole body was like lead and she couldn’t feel anything she just wanted to feel something she couldn’t feel anything and—

Katsa breathed in sharply, standing from the floor quickly. Her head spun for a moment, black dots appearing in her vision. She had stood up too fast, but that didn’t matter, she just had to move.

Katsa stumbled her way upstairs. She collapsed in her bed, and stayed there. She had finished her homework, and she didn’t really need to eat. She could just lie there, and… think. She had a lot of thinking to do.

* * *

“Are you okay, Katsa? You look exhausted.”

Katsa looked up at Seijuro, panic running through her mind. She didn’t want to worry him.

“I just had a little trouble going to sleep last night. I’m fine.”

She hadn’t gone to sleep at all last night. She had been studying. She couldn’t afford to let her failings in basketball mess with her academic life.

Seijuro was watching her with worried eyes. “We don’t have to play shogi if you don’t want to. I can walk you home.”

“No, that’s not necessary. We can keep playing,” Katsa said, putting a smile for him. Seijuro didn’t buy it, but he let it go. The next topic made her wish he didn’t.

“You didn’t eat much at lunch today. I have some snacks here, if you’d like.”

She hadn’t eaten because food tasted like sand to her. The thought of eating left her nauseous. “I had a big breakfast,” She hadn’t had any breakfast. “I’m fine!”

Seijuro frowned at her, then pulled out a bag of chips. “These were for Murasakibara-kun, but he can live with one less chip bag. Eat these.”

“I don’t want to get between Murasakibara and his snacks. I’m not suicidal,” That was debatable, but she didn’t mention that.

“He doesn’t even know I have these in the first place. He won’t know the difference. Eat.”

“I really don’t—“

“Katsa,” Seijuro grabbed onto her hand and looked at her seriously. “You did not eat a big breakfast. And I doubt that you’re planning on having a big dinner either. Eat.”

Katsa breathed in, then out. She took the bag of chips.

They continued their game as she ate. Katsa lost, as usual, but this time she had the excuse of being exhausted and distracted.

That was a combination Katsa would be seeing a lot of soon: losing, being exhausted, and being distracted.

Katsa didn’t like that combination very much. But what she did and did not like never played much of a factor in what happened to her, so she was left miserable again.

She felt empty. Like she had been drained of all of her emotions and she had nothing left to give. Her limbs felt held down by lead, and there was a brick in her stomach. Moving became a monumental task, and sleeping wasn’t an option.

Katsa didn’t feel very human anymore. And she was scared that she wouldn’t be able to pretend for much longer.

(She didn’t realize that she didn’t need to pretend. She didn’t realize that her loved ones would accept her no matter what. She didn’t realize a lot of things. She didn’t realize that she was killing herself, until she was already half dead.)

* * *

Katsa let herself relax for the first time in days as Sora ran her hands through Katsa’s hair. Every couple of seconds, Sora hit a tangle in her wildly curly hair, but she just gently teased it out.

It had been a rough couple of weeks. She just wanted… she wanted…

She wanted to hurt herself, if only so that she could feel something. She wanted to cease existing. She didn’t want to die, not exactly, because the thought of killing herself wasn’t very appealing. But she didn’t want to live either, so it would be really convenient if she could be put in a coma.

She wanted for her loved ones to stop worrying. She wanted Seijuro to not have to make her eat, she wanted to be able to have breakfast without gagging. She wanted to walk away from a basketball mistake without her body screaming in pain. She wanted to get perfect scores on all her tests. She wanted to not feel selfish for wanting things.

She just wanted things to _stop_. She wanted to have never existed, she wanted the people she cared about to not have to have known her, she wanted to make it so that she had never inconvenienced anyone. She wanted to feel whole again.

“You want to stay for dinner?” Sora asked, and Katsa thought, _yes, I want to stay here forever. No, I don’t want to eat dinner. I’m sorry, I don’t want to make things harder than they have to be for you._

“Sure,” is what she said. “I’d love to.”

They ate dinner alone. Sora’s dad wasn’t home much.

It was easier for Katsa, when there weren’t people she didn’t know well around. It made her feel glad he wouldn’t be there, and that in turn made her feel guilty, because Sora deserved to have dinner with her dad every night and it was wrong to feel glad about something that upset her friend.

Katsa forced herself to eat for Sora. She was already making Seijuro worry about her eating habits, she didn’t want to inconvenience anyone else. She didn’t eat much, but she had never had the biggest appetite. Sora didn’t notice anything.

Katsa used Sora’s fireplace to go home. She flooed to the fireplace in Sirius’s study, one of the rooms that was still magical. When she got there, Sirius was there grading papers. Katsa kissed him on the cheek and went to her room.

She did all of the assigned homework, even the stuff that wasn’t due for weeks. She went through her stretches and basic exercises. She took a shower, she changed into her pajamas.

She was aware of doing all these things. She was there, and she knew that. But it didn’t feel real. It felt like she was in another dimension just a little to the left of the reality her body resided in, like her consciousness was submerged in water and drowning.

Katsa lay on her side on her bed. She examined her wall carefully. Her bulletin board was in her line of sight. She couldn’t see it very well without her glasses; she just saw colorful blurs, though even the colors were muted in the darkness.

It was a good metaphor for how she was feeling. All of her emotions were blurry and muted. It was like they were being pushed through a strainer

Katsa clenched her fists. Her nails dug into her hand. She reveled in the feeling.

Tomorrow was Sunday, so she had no school or basketball commitments. She had promised to go over to Kise’s house though. The whole team was going to play just dance. Katsa didn’t expect to enjoy it; it was a combination of loud music, multiple people in a small space, and, if she knew her friends, food. Not exactly her ideal situation.

It took her awhile to fall asleep. In the end, she probably only got an hour or two of rest. That was all right. She was making mistakes, which must have meant she wasn’t using the energy sleep gave her properly. She might as well not sleep long enough to let the nightmares take hold.

(Though, by that point, her waking moments had become more of a nightmare than what her mind could fabricate. But admitting that would be admitting that Katsa was imperfect, so she didn’t let herself think like that.)

* * *

Coach often talked about “training” the team. Katsa couldn’t deny that they needed it, nor could she deny that it was effective.

There were three types of punishments. There were the personal ones, the group ones, and the chain ones.

The personal punishments were when an individual made a mistake that wasn’t too severe. These were punishments tailored to the specific person, and usually ended when the person was physically unable to continue.

The group punishments were either when everyone contributed to the mistake, or it was a personal mistake that affected the whole team. These were usually group drills, and also ended when the first person collapsed.

The chain punishments were what happened when someone didn’t meet the requirements of a personal or group punishment. So, if someone missed a basket, slowed down during drills, or collapsed before Coach thought they should, then the next person in the chain would be punished.

If Katsa slowed down or collapsed before she should have during her drills, then Kise had extra time added on to the time when he wasn’t allowed to interact with anyone during practice while doing drills on basic basketball fundamentals. If he touched or spoke to someone or slowed down in his drills, then Shintaro had fifty baskets added onto what he had to complete. If Shintaro missed a shot, then Aomine had to run twenty-five more laps. If Aomine slowed down or collapsed before he should have, then Murasakibara had time added onto when he couldn’t eat in the gym, as well as the drills he had to do. If he ate in the gym or slowed down in his drills, then Seijuro had stuff increased in whatever odd punishment Coach decided to give him. If Seijuro messed up, then Katsa had to complete more drills.

It certainly motivated the team to not mess up. Messing up didn’t only affect you, if affected your friends. No one wanted to bring pain onto their friends.

There was another, unofficial, punishment. The Talks™ were when Coach took them into his office and, well, talked.

Katsa didn’t know what he said to her friends, because none of them talked about it. Katsa didn’t talk about it either.

He told her how worthless she was. He screamed and shouted and pointed out all her imperfections. Sometimes, he got so, so angry, and he… he…

Katsa didn’t talk about it. And if she was careful to not change in front of anyone other than Loki, that was nobody’s business but her own.

* * *

It happened like this:

 

The things happening around her didn’t quite register in her mind. She was disjointed from reality.

 

It started like this:

 

Katsa didn’t really know when it started. Maybe it was when Katsa spent her first night fixated on the razor in the shower. Maybe it all started when she found out about being the Girl-Who-Lived.

 

It continued like this:

 

Katsa hated herself for making her loved ones worry, she hated herself for not being perfect, she hated herself for making mistakes, she hated herself for existing, she just _hated herself, so, so bad._

It continued like this:

 

Coach was helping them. Katsa knew that. But she came home with her legs shaking and bruises on her chest and she had to watch her friends in pain. It was hard.

 

It continued like this:

 

Nijimura stepped down as captain, and Seijuro took his place. With him, went the main thing holding Coach back.

 

It ended like this:

 

It didn’t end. It wouldn’t end. Katsa just wanted everything to _end_ , but it wouldn’t, it just kept going and kept getting worse and worse and worse.

 

_Why wouldn’t it just end?_


	10. The Kids Aren't Aright

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own HP or KnB.
> 
> Trigger Warnings. Toxic thinking, intrusive thoughts, self harm, abuse, injuries, and mental illness. Out of the first ten chapters, this is definitely the darkest. If you don’t want to read it for fear that it will harm you in some way, contact me and I will summarize if for you.
> 
> My personal Tumblr: @snowlikestardust  
> My writing Tumblr: @snowlikestardust writes

“I have no idea what I’m doing,” Katsa admitted.

“That’s okay,” Sora said. “I’m here to teach you.”

Katsa examined her face carefully in the mirror, the first time she had done that in years. She had to admit, she didn’t like what she saw.

“Makeup is practice, plain and simple. You’ll get better at it with time,” he told her.

“And it is going to be a long, bumpy road to get there.”

“It’ll be worth it though. I am going to have you dressing stylishly and having makeup skills that’ll make the whole room jealous.”

Katsa was looking forward to that. Meeting society’s expectations of young girls was one step closer to being perfect.

(Meeting society’s expectations shouldn’t have mattered. Makeup was for girls’ own enjoyment, and other people’s opinions shouldn’t matter. Whether a girl wore makeup or not was up to her, not anyone else. Katsa did not have to meet anyone’s expectations, not even her own. Life wasn’t about making the cut. It was about living.)

“Ugh,” Katsa said. “My face looks even worse than usual.”

“I don’t like the insinuation that your face is normally bad.”

Katsa rolled her eyes and focused on her eyeliner. When she set it down, she had to try five times to set it down with all sides hitting the table at once. Every time it didn’t work, her breath quickened. She counted (onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineten) ten times.

She felt exhausted. Physically, because she was running on fumes and had been practicing in a very intense manner. Mentally, because she had been putting great focus into her studies, both magical and muggle. Emotionally, because people in general were exhausting and she had had a lot of people interaction lately.

She just wanted to take a cue from Sleeping Beauty and sleep for a hundred years. If only she had a curse to put her under instead of having to lie awake for hours before getting only a couple minutes of sleep.

Katsa didn’t particularly enjoy makeup or dressing up, but she could tell that it made Sora happy to teach her. So, she put up with it.

In the future, Katsa would only wear makeup or put effort into her clothes when there was a special occasion. In those moments, she’d forget all of her skills anyway and have to ask either Sora or Sirius for help. Katsa didn’t think about the future though, because she had a hard-enough time thinking about the present. It was weird to think about her future when she didn’t want one.

It was a strange parallel. Sora taught Katsa basketball, he helped her with her homework, he braided her hair. Now he was teaching her about the things society taught young girls they needed to know.

Katsa was really lucky to have Sora. In her mind, she didn’t deserve him. If she hadn’t met him… she probably would have broken down a long time ago.

 

It was snowing in the fall, and Katsa couldn’t feel a thing.

She was sitting down on a bench at an outside basketball court. She had promised Aomine that she would meet up with him to play a one-on-one.

Her clothes were soaked. She had arrived an hour early, and the snow had long since soaked into her basketball shorts and athletic shirt.

She didn’t feel cold. She just felt numb. Not the kind of numb that came from being out in the cold, but the kind of numb that had permeated her body for weeks.

Loki sat by her side, his head in her lap. Katsa absently played with his ears. The snow wasn’t sticking, but she was sure if it did Loki would blend right in.

Katsa had slowed down in her drills, so Coach punished Kise. Katsa didn’t see what happened, but she knew that Kise had shied away from touch lately. She hated herself for making it worse.

She hadn’t been able to successfully cast the summoning charm yesterday. She had tried and tried but she hadn’t been able to. Sirius said not to worry about it, that it was a hard charm. Didn’t make her feel any better.

Katsa held up her hand and looked at it carefully. Her fingers were a little blue. That was weird. She didn’t’ feel particularly chilly. She tapped her fingers against her thumb, starting at the pinky and moving inward, then back again. She tried to get a rhythm going, but she kept doing uneven taps on each finger when she tried to go too fast.

Katsa dropped her hand, then immediately raised it again to run a hand through her hair. It had been a bad week. A bad month, really.

“Katsa?” a concerned voice shouted. She identified it as Aomine. “What are you doing?”

He came into view. He wasn’t dressed for basketball, Katsa noticed. He had jeans and a jacket on. “I was waiting for you? Why aren’t you dressed to play? Do you not want to anymore?”

Aomine looked terrified. He quickly took his jacket off and put it around her shoulders. “It’s freezing out. Why are you wearing that? Are you trying to kill yourself?”

That seemed like an odd series of sentences to Katsa. She didn’t feel cold at all, she was wearing clothes appropriate for basketball, and she wasn’t quite to the point of killing herself. She told Aomine the first two points.

A series of emotions flitted across Aomine’s face, landing on concerned. “It’s snowing out, Potter. It’s cold.”

Katsa didn’t like making her friends worried. “I’m sorry. Did I do something wrong? I didn’t mean to? Please don’t be mad.”

Aomine looked exasperated. He guided her hands into the arm holes of his jacket and zipped it up. “I’m not mad. I’m just worried.”

Katsa didn’t understand. She told Aomine so.

“Look,” he said, dragging his hand down his face. “You can’t sit out in the snow like that in those kinds of clothes. It’s not safe.”

“But I don’t feel cold.”

“Just because you don’t feel cold doesn’t mean it’s not freezing. You have to look at your surroundings. If you’re outside when it’s snowing, you need to be wearing real pants and a jacket.”

Katsa didn’t understand, but she could see she was making Aomine stressed. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Aomine said. “Okay. How about we stop by magi burger, get something to eat? That way you can warm up.”

Katsa didn’t want to eat, and she didn’t think she needed to warm up. But she was past her limit of protesting, so she simply nodded and grabbed Loki’s leash.

She messed up again, and now her friend was worried. It was a bad day.

 

Watching Seijuro demolish his opponents was a lot more fun when she wasn’t the one being demolished.

Case in point: Katsa had been watching Seijuro and Shintaro play shogi against each other for hours. Seijuro won every time. It was almost amusing enough to make her feel something.

They had both been furious when they found out about the snow incident (because of course Aomine told them). The whole team had insisted that someone walk her home every night so that she didn’t decide to find a ditch and let herself freeze to death while lying in it.

She still didn’t see what the big deal was. She was fine. For all the other’s fussing, she came out perfectly fine (or as fine as she ever was nowadays).

She was just glad they didn’t tell Sirius. If her friends had a problem with her actions, then there was a good chance Sirius would freak out about it too.

“It seems you have beat me again,” Shintaro said, and the words echoed in her mind until she let her tongue move in the way it would if she said it.

“Indeed,” Seijuro said. “But it was a good game.”

Katsa tongued the words “good game” in her mouth several times.

“Do you want to play Katsa?” Shintaro asked, looking at her. She startled and tensed up.

“No thanks. I’m good.”

Both looked worried. Katsa wondered why. “If you’re sure,” Seijuro said. Katsa nodded, and they reluctantly took their eyes off her. She let herself relax.

She zoned out, her eyes fixated on the wall across from her. She only came to when a hand touched her shoulder. She flinched, then blinked into focus.

“It’s time to go, Katsa,” Seijuro said. She nodded and stood up. Neither touched her as the moved out, but they hovered on either side of her. Katsa felt simultaneously claustrophobic and comforted.

It hurt to move. She had run for hours the day before under Coach’s instruction. You would think that it would get easier to run for so long, but it didn’t. Katsa figured it must be a sign that she wasn’t strong enough, not yet.

She had to work harder. She would work harder. She’d be better. She wouldn’t be a disappointment much longer.

(She wouldn’t be much of anything much longer. At least, in her eyes. In reality, she was always something, she was always enough. That was one thing that would never go away.)

 

Japan’s Junior High Basketball Nationals. A tournament where the country’s best thirteen, fourteen, and fifteen-year-olds come together to fight for victory.

Last year, Teiko Junior High brought home gold with an all-first-year team, something that had never been done before.

Since then, Teiko had interchanged a few players, devised new playing strategies, and amped up the harshness of the punishments. There was one thing, however that hadn’t changed.

Teiko was Ever Victorious. Losing wasn’t an option.

The tournament was stretched out for a week with nonstop games. To win, a team had to play dozens of games in a row.

Katsa knew this was her chance. If she pushed herself, if she succeeded, maybe, just maybe, she could feel something. If she proved that she deserved it, it was possible her emotions would come back.

“I think you all understand what will happen if you lose,” Coach told them. Katsa focused her eyes somewhere a little to the left of his head. It was right before the game, and the starters were huddled around the coach. “If you lose, everyone who played in the game is off the team.”

Katsa closed her eyes, and felt someone brush against her shoulder.

“If you make any mistakes,” Shirogane said. “You will be staying after practice for some one-on-one time.”

Katsa heard someone exhale deeply.

“What are we?” Coach asked.

“Every Victorious,” the team echoed in unison. Katsa opened her eyes.

It was time to win.

 

Teiko won their first three days, and they were done for the day. Katsa was returning from where she changed in the bathroom.

People stared as she walked by. They recognized her Teiko jacket, and perhaps recognized her from the games as well. She played in all of them, some for longer than others.

“…see her? She’s…”

“…Potter Katsa. She’s the fastest on the team…”

“…horrible people, the lot of them. They…”

“…think it’s okay to look down on us…”

“…monsters…”

“…Generation of Miracles…”

The whispers echoed in Katsa’s head, leaving her brain cluttered and useless. Her breathing quickened.

Monster. They called her and her friends. Miracles.

They just wanted to play basketball. Why did everyone else have to make it out as something more? They were regular middle schoolers, having fun playing the sport they loved.

Katsa walked past the whispers, she ignored the heavy feeling in her heart. She joined her friends, her monsters, her miracles, and she gave them a smile as fake as the flavored candy Murasakibara gave her when he was in a good mood.

She returned home that night, and she kissed Sirius on the cheek. She had Sora over for dinner, and she took Loki on a walk. She sat up late into the night and thought about the razor in the shower. She took a shower in the morning, and turned the temperature up so hot that she could almost feel it.

She wondered if she was a monster. She didn’t think she was. Being a monster would mean being something, and she was nothing at all.

(She didn’t even consider if she was a miracle or not. The thought never even crossed her mind.)

 

She was burning.

She had played in every game. It was the fourth day, they were eleven games in.

“Are you doing all right, Katsa?” Shintaro asked. “Not that I care.”

Katsa blinked, hard. “Yeah. I’m fine. Why do you ask?”

“You’re shaking,” Kise said. Katsa turned to look at him. She hadn’t realized the others were listening.

Katsa lifted her hand. She was shaking. “Huh,” she said.

“Huh,” Seijuro parroted. “Are you good to play this next game?”

“Of course. I’ve played just as much as you all have.”

“And you’ve been having talks with Coach Shirogane twice as much as we all have. It’s okay to take a break for one game. You can sit this one out.”

Katsa straightened her back and forced a smile. “No need. I’m fine.”

She wasn’t fine. She was on fire. But she couldn’t let it show.

Losing wasn’t an option.

Coach came in before any of the others could protest, and everyone switched into game mode. Katsa allowed herself a compulsion (digging the creases of her fingers into the edge of the bench so that they fit perfectly) before standing with the others.

As she stood, a short wave of dizziness overtook her, but it was gone in a heartbeat. She shook it off and exited the locker room.

She could feel her heartbeat like it was someone banging a bass drum as loudly as they could right in her ear. Her breathing rattled in her chest, and sometimes she forgot how to exhale.

“The starters for first quarter are

(Katsa was pressed against the wall and Coach was coming closer. There was anger in his eyes and the promise of pain in his fists. Katsa tried to walk backward but there was nowhere to run. She felt his hands grab onto her hair, she was begging, she couldn’t feel anything but pain—)

Potter, Midorima, Aomine, Murasakibara, and Kuroko.”  
Katsa went out to the court next to her miracles. The harsh gym lighting spiked a knife into her skull.

Murasakibara jumped for the ball. He batted it to Katsa, and she ran.  
She felt the pounding of feet as everyone on court approached the net. Katsa dodged and weaved around her opponents.

“Potter, I’m

(She was alone in the house. Her wrists ached the same way her soul did when she didn’t do her compulsions. Doing what it told her to do always made it better. Why not just try?)

open.”

Katsa’s eyes darted to Aomine, and she passed to him. The other team’s attention shifted to him as he scored. Defense. Murasakibara had the inside covered, she just needed to focus on stealing back the ball.

“C’mon, let’s get

(She took the knife and traced it over her skin. She tapped it, one, two, three, and rested the flat part of it so it lined up with her arm. She didn’t press down, because that would only bring bad things. But she wanted to, so, so bad.)

on defense!”

Katsa waited for the right moment, then grabbed the ball from behind. She passed to Kuroko, who directed the ball to Shintaro, who made a three.

“Alright, nice pass Katsa.”

Someone patted Katsa on the back as they passed by. The touch jolted her out of her thoughts, and she flinched. She hoped no one noticed.

The game was a blur from there. There was passing and shooting and picks and running. Katsa didn’t realize the first quarter ended until someone pushed her down onto the bench.

“Katsa? Can

(She examined herself in the mirror. She eyed the dark bruises making a dark blob over her side. She looked at the rest of her body. She was so ugly.)

you hear me? Katsa?”

Katsa startled back to reality. Seijuro kneeled in front of her.

“Y-yeah,” Katsa gasped. “Sorry, just zoned out.”

“Are you okay to keep playing?” Aomine asked. Coach spoke before she could reply.

“Of course, she’s okay to play. Potter, you’re staying in. Akashi, you’re switching with Kuroko. The rest of you stay in.”

Katsa took a deep breath. She tapped her fingers (left pinky, left ring, left middle, left pointer, left thumb, right thumb, right pointer, right middle, right ring, right thumb, back across) and scrunched her toes (one, two, three). She stood up, and the second quarter began.

“Potter,” Coach called. Katsa hung back while the other four players went to court. “You can zone out all you like as long as you don’t mess up. If you make a mistake because your head is in the clouds, then you’re off the team. Do you understand?”

(“Don’t tell anyone,” he told her. “If anyone sees them, you got these bruises playing streetball. Do you understand?”)

“I understand,” Katsa said.

The other team started with the ball. Katsa was suddenly struck with the thought that she had no idea who they were playing.

The minutes counted down. Katsa couldn’t feel the passage of time. The only way she knew they were moving forward at all was the scoreboard.

“Katsa, pass

(She was in the shower, and the water was searing hot. She had a knife in her hand, and an expanse of open skin just waiting to be marked. She put the knife to her skin and she pushed and there was blood and—)

it over here.”

She could feel the sweat dripping down her back. She passed the ball.

She exhaled out, and let her eyes close for the briefest moment. Then she opened them, and she was back in the game.

The sound washed over her. It was simultaneously too loud and barely hearable.

The ball was in her hands. The basket was in front of her. She jumped up, and the ball left her hand. She watched the ball approach the basket, but then she was landing and there was something wrong and she was falling and—  
.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 

“Katsa? Katsa can

(“Don’t tell anyone. You hear me? You don’t tell anyone.”)

you hear me? Katsa?”

She was in pain, Katsa realized. This was what pain felt like. Katsa didn’t like it as much as she had thought she would.

She realized her eyes were closed, and she opened them. She was facing the ceiling. That was weird. When did she get on her back?

There were faces above her. They blurred together until there was just colorful blobs.

“Kid, I need you to

(Kise was sitting on her bed. There was a makeup container in between them. “You do it like this,” he said, demonstrating. “It hides the bruises perfectly.”)

tell me where it hurts.”

Someone was screaming. Katsa wished they would stop.

“Can you take a

(They were stumbling home. They were supporting each other because if they didn’t they would fall down. Katsa felt safe beneath her bruised and torn open skin. She knew, in that moment, she’d do anything to stay with her friends.)

deep breath for me? You need to breathe.”

Oh. Was she not breathing? Katsa tried to take a deep breath in, but she choked on her own voice. Was she the one screaming?

“We’re going to move you

(Katsa looked at her wall of pictures. Her fingers ghosted over the photographs of the people she loved. She clenched her fist. She wouldn’t be a disappointment much longer. She’d cut away the imperfections.)

onto the stretcher now.”

Katsa felt herself be lifted into the air for a moment before she was laid back onto something solid.

“An ambulance is on

(She watched the blood drip down the drain. She scrubbed away all signs of what she did from the shower. She bandaged up her arms, and knew that she wouldn’t be able to wear short sleeves anytime soon.)

the way. They’ll meet us at the entrance.”

Katsa looked up at the changing scenery above her. She tried to focus on what she saw, but the pain overtook her senses.

She hadn’t ever felt like this. She hadn’t felt in general in a long time. Now, she just felt…

 

 

 

  
Pain.  
That was the only thing accompanying her. She was all alone, with nothing but pain to guide her.  
Was this what she had prayed for? A way out, a friend to guide the way?  
This wasn’t what she wanted.

 

 

 

This wasn’t what she wanted at all.

 

 

 

 

  
It ended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took forever to write. Not only is it the longest, but it’s also very heavy. I’m emotionally exhausted after writing this.
> 
> So, yeah, the Bad Thing™ happened. More about Katsa’s injury will be revealed in the next chapter. I’m actually curious to see if any of you readers can guess what happened (and no, that does not mean you, dear beta readers). So, if you’d like to guess, leave a comment and I’ll say if it’s right or not.
> 
> Also, this chapter revealed two major things: Katsa’s abuse and self-harm. At this point, she doesn’t really see what’s wrong with either of those things. That will change soon though, I promise.


	11. I forgot to name this chapter rip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own HP or KnB.  
> Sorry it's late!
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Toxic thinking, intrusive thoughts, self-harm mentions, abuse mentions, injuries, mental health issues, and a psychiatric hospital.
> 
> If you’d like me to add any trigger warnings, feel free to leave a comment on here or AO3 or message me on my tumblr, @snowlikestardust. For that matter, if you’d like to talk to me at all, you can do that too! I’m way more friendly than my writing might lead you to believe.
> 
> If at any time you believe that the things included in the trigger warnings will make you uncomfortable or harm you in any way, contact me and I’ll give you a summary of the chapter.

When Katsa was six years old Sirius let her ride on a real broom for the first time. He took her to the stadium at the Tokyo School of Magic and had her float a little above the ground. He guided her every step of the way.

Katsa was a natural. And it was fun. In those moments, as she flew above the grassy field, she felt well and truly free.

Katsa had been chasing after that feeling ever since. She thought she had figured out how to get it back. She had basketball, and friends, and family.

It wasn’t enough. She always felt so empty. She didn’t understand why she couldn’t be happy again. She had wondered if there was something wrong with her.

_Why was nothing enough?_

Katsa had felt empty for so long that she couldn’t remember how to feel.

She took a knife to her skin because she wanted to feel real, and because that’s what her OCD told her to do.

Whenever she took a shower she had to put it to scalding to feel the heat.

Sometimes she couldn’t feel her dog’s fur beneath her hands. Sometimes her limbs were so weighed down that she couldn’t lift them up to pet Loki in the first place.

She was such a mistake that her basketball coach had to waste his time punishing her when he could be doing such better things.

She messed up so bad and so often that she couldn’t sleep at night.

It was so hard, and she couldn’t understand why. Why did she have to be the freak? Why did she get compulsions? Why couldn’t she feel anything. It wasn’t fair, none of it was fair, and she couldn’t do anything about it because she was less than nothing in the grand scheme of things.

She wished she had never existed. It would have been so much better for everyone.  
Why couldn’t she have just died along with her parents that night?

 

Katsa stared blankly at the bandages around her wrists as she listened to Doctor Midorima talk. Tears pressed against her eyelids, but she didn’t let them fall.

She tore her Achilles Tendon. The doctors found self-harm cuts on her wrists and hand-shaped bruises on her stomach and back.

They had put her into surgery. She would have to go through months of physical therapy before she could walk again. She would never be able to play basketball again. She was going to be going to psychiatric hospital to stabilize her mental health. She should really tell the doctors where she got those bruises, because it’s not right for someone to hurt her, and do you understand, Katsa?

“I understand,” Katsa said. The words burned leaving her lips.

Dr. Midorima waited for the nurses to leave, then told her, quietly: “My son and the rest of the team send their well wishes. They wanted me to tell you that they’re here for you, and when you’re cleared for seeing friends, they’ll be the first ones in line.”

Katsa nodded. She wished they would stop wasting their time on her.

Dr. Midorima looked at her sadly, then left. Katsa felt relieved at his absence. She hated feeling like she disappointed her best friend’s father.

She had disappointed Sirius too. He didn’t say it, but Katsa knew her godfather, and she knew what that look in his eye meant.

Remus wanted to come as soon as he heard, but Katsa begged him not to. He had a teaching position at Hogwarts, and it was a great opportunity for him. He had access to wolf’s bane and a steady source of income. Katsa couldn’t handle knowing she ruined that for him.

Katsa was to start physical therapy in six weeks. In six months, she was supposed to be able to walk again.

She would be put in a psychiatric hospital to deal with her self-harm and the trauma her injury may have caused her.

She would be on pain meds for a long time. They said that without them, the pain would be horrible. Katsa didn’t think they’d like knowing that she welcomed the pain, so she kept quiet.

So Katsa had a mental hospital, and pain, and a lot of tough conversations coming up with her loved ones coming up. She would never be able to play the one thing in life she enjoyed doing again. She wouldn’t be able to see her dog for a long time, and her friends weren’t allowed to visit until group therapy was over.

Things went wrong. And Katsa had no idea what she was supposed to do to fix them.

 

One of the first things Sirius talked about, before confronting her about the cuts and bruises, was asking her to let him partially heal her with magic. Not enough to cause suspicion, but enough so that she’d be able to play basketball again.

Katsa refused. It wasn’t fair for her to play god. None of the other injured kids in her hospital hall were able to use magic to fix themselves. Using magic was cheating, and she wasn’t a cheater.

It wasn’t that she didn’t want to get better, to be able to play basketball again. It was way more complicated than that.

Basketball was everything to her. It was everything both good and bad. It got her friends and temporary happiness. But it also got her punishments and bruises and shouting.

She didn’t like the punishments.

Every time Coach Shirogane screamed at her, Katsa felt herself shrink into herself and die a little inside.

Every time he made her run for hours on end she wanted nothing more than to collapse on the ground and never get up.

Every time he laid a hand on her…

She didn’t like it. But she also knew that it made her stronger, and she wanted to get stronger. So, she was stuck in this cycle of hating the punishments and feeling grateful for them for helping her improve.

If she couldn’t play basketball again, she wouldn’t have to worry about that. She wouldn’t be able to do the thing she loved, and it was possible her friends would leave her, but at least she wouldn’t be disappointing everyone around her and herself.

And even if she did want to be able to play basketball again. What made her worth any more than anyone else? Why did she get to heal herself? It wasn’t fair, and Katsa didn’t know if she would be able to live with herself if she let go of her morals like that.

Sirius was furious. It was some combination of the self-harm and the signs of abuse and her refusing help and her begging Remus to stay at Hogwarts. He didn’t scream or yell like Coach did, but he fixed this look at her.

Katsa hated that look. It was full of anger and disappointment and sadness and every negative emotion Katsa wished she would never have to make him feel again.

(The anger wasn’t for her. It was at himself, and the situation she was in. He could never be angry at Katsa. If only she would realize that.)

She tried not to think about it too much. She had group therapy ahead, and if she let herself be distracted she might say something she would regret.

Katsa didn’t know what to expect from the mental hospital. There was some small, hopeful voice in the back of her mind that said it might help. But that was ridiculous. Katsa was fine. She didn’t need help. There was no need to bother anyone.

She was already causing so much trouble for everyone. She wouldn’t cause anymore.

 

“And here it is,” the nurse pushing Katsa’s wheelchair said. “The psychiatric hospital for minors ages ten to eighteen. This is where you’ll be living for the next couple of days.”

Katsa glances around the room. There was a TV on one wall, with three two-seater couches facing it. There was a large table in the middle of the room, and an entire wall of board games. There were several doors, and one hallway leading to what Katsa thought might be the patient rooms. A nurse’s station completed the room. There were kids spaced out around the room. A few looked at her curiously before going back to what they were doing.

“You’ll be able to see your godfather tonight during visiting hours. We wake you up at seven am, and the light needs to be off in your room by nine pm on weekdays and ten on weekends. We watch a movie on Fridays and Saturdays. There’s three meals a day. We bring breakfast to you, we eat in the cafeteria for lunch, and you go pick out your food at dinner then bring it back to this room to eat.” She explained. Katsa nodded along.

“We have roommates here, so you’ll share a room with another girl around your age. The nurses have to see that you’re alright once every hour, so during the night we’ll peak in and check on you. There’s time for schoolwork after the outpatients leave for the day.

“There are plenty of board games, and we can set up the Wii for you anytime. I also know that our patients are very fond of card games, so we have decks of cards as well.

“You’re going to be an inpatient, which means you stay here 24/7. There are also outpatients, who come in from nine am to three pm, then go back home.”

Katsa listened carefully as the nurse explained all of the rules. She didn’t want to mess up, so she did her best to memorize all of them.

The nurse had Katsa set her stuff in her room, then left her to her own devices. Katsa sat in her room for a bit, trying to get herself to calm down. That’s where her roommate found her.

“Hey, you’re Katsa, right?” a girl with brown hair said. “I’m Aira, I’m your roommate.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Katsa said. She hoped that was the right thing to say in her position.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you as well. Me and the others are playing a card game. Do you want to join us?”

Katsa nodded. “I’d love to.”

She clumsily wheeled herself out of the room. She still wasn’t really used to the wheelchair. “What game are you playing?”

“BS. You know how to play?”

“I don’t.”

“That’s alright. I didn’t know how to play either before coming here. We’ll teach you.”

Aira kept a steady speed as she walked alongside Katsa. She didn’t seem to mind that they were moving at a snail’s pace.

When they reached the main room Katsa looked around.

There was one boy writing in a journal on the couch; he looked around eighteen.

Three other kids, two girls and one boy, sat at the table with a deck of card. Katsa situated herself at the table.

“Guys, this is Katsa. Katsa, this is Maiko, Mori, and Kaori. They’re all outpatient. The guy over there is Tenshin, he’s inpatient like us.”

“Hi,” Katsa said. She immediately felt weird. What kind of greeting was “Hi?”

Mori smiled. “So, are you going to play with us?”

Katsa nodded. “Yeah. You’ll have to teach me how to play though.”

“Great! BS is way more fun with more people, so it’ll be nice to have another player,” Mori said. Then his eyes widened. “Not that I’m saying it’s a good thing you’re here. I know it’s not a really good thing to be here, I’m just saying, I mean, um—“

“Mori. It’s okay,” Kaori said. Mori nodded sheepishly.

“I’ll teach you how to play,” Maiko said. She looked about twelve years old. “It took the others about ten minutes to explain it, because they kept getting sidetracked.”

Aira, Mori, and Kaori piped up in complaint, but Tenshin said: “Oh, don’t deny it. It’s true.”

Aira made a dramatic action, as if she had been stabbed. Katsa could almost see the angsty background behind her. She laughed a little, then stopped in surprise. It had been a long time since she laughed.

It wouldn’t be the last time she laughed at the mental hospital. There was something comforting about it. She was safe, from herself and from Coach, and she was surrounded by people who understood what she was going through. (She also learned a lot of new card games, so that was a plus as well.)

Katsa expected a mental hospital to be a lot scarier than it was. Maybe it was result of all of the horror movies and games set in old, abandoned hospitals. The place she was in wasn’t scary though. It was warm and comforting.

Psychiatric hospitals weren’t something to be scared of. They were meant to help, and they did. That was all there was to it.

 

Katsa learned a lot about her fellow patients during group therapy.

She learned that Tenshin was like her in that he self-harmed, and she was right when she guessed he was eighteen.

Aira and Kaori were both sixteen, though their problems differed. Aira had depression and anxiety, while Kaori had anger issues, anxiety, and spent most of her time outside of the hospital drinking and doing drugs.

Mori was fourteen like Katsa, and dealt with intrusive thoughts and the want to self-harm.

Maiko was twelve, and she heard voices that told her she was going to die.

Sometimes Katsa felt like she didn’t deserve to be there, that she wasn’t bad enough. She could still function, and as much as she wanted to not exist sometimes, she knew that she wasn’t going to kill herself.

But she didn’t regret being there. It helped her, really. It gave her coping mechanisms and showed her that she wasn’t alone in how she felt.

Perhaps the most influential thing it did was the talk on abuse the nurses gave them. When the topic was opened for discussion, Maiko talked about her dad. She talked about how he hit her and told her she was worthless and made her work for longer than she was able.

Sound familiar?

Katsa hadn’t ever thought of it like that. Was how he treated her abuse?

The nurses thought so, as did Katsa’s fellow patients. Katsa didn’t know how to feel. She didn’t think she would tell anyone other than the people in group therapy, not yet. She wanted to think it through first.

She just needed to think. It was something that was getting harder and harder to do, but she would try her best.

The doctors said she needed to recover, both physically and mentally. They also told her it would require a lot of hard work on her end. Katsa was okay with that. Coach taught her how to work hard. That was one thing he did to help her. Could he have really been all that bad?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I’m not actually going to show the psychiatric hospital. I tried writing it, but it hit a little too close to home for me, and I don’t want to hurt my own mental health for a fanfiction. With that said, there is nothing to be ashamed about going to a psychiatric hospital. It can really help. It doesn’t cure you or anything, because recovery is a very long, very hard process, but it can get you on the track to recovery.
> 
> I rewrote this chapter about three times before I decided on this. I’m still not quite happy with how it turned out, but it’s better than the first couple of tries.


	12. Chapter titles? I don't know her

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be perfectly honest and say that I completely forgot about this fic in between comments. I forgot to pre-write an a/n and a forgot to upload the new chapter this morning. So, I'm very sorry, but I do not have any trigger warnings for this chapter. I'm exhausted, and I really don't want to reread my old writing. So, if you think I should add any trigger warnings for this chapter, just let me know and I'll edit this.

“Looks like you win again, Katsa,” Shintaro told her with a small smile on his face.

“I’m still not sure that you’re not letting me win,” She told him. Shintaro rolled his eyes.

“I can assure you, I’m not. I don’t have the humility to do so.”

“Sure, Jan.”

Shintaro froze. “Has Kise been teaching you memes again?”

“You recognized it,” She said.

It had been two weeks since she got out of the psychiatric hospital, three since her injury. She was allowed visitors outside of her family now. Her friends visited all the time.

“I’m just saying, we don’t need another Kise. I get enough late-night texts on the group chat that are more akin to surrealism than humor.”

“I’ve sent what, three texts in total on my new phone? I barely know how it works.”

Sirius had given her a smart phone in the hopes that she would have an easier time interacting with the outside world. Katsa just didn’t know if that was a good thing or not.

“And those three texts were all making fun of your friends.”

“It’s better than sending dozens of texts saturated in pure sarcasm.”

Talking like this was hard. A heaviness weighed down her body and exhaustion clouded her mind. But she knew her friends were worried about her, and so she did her best to pretend. And, it also helped to know that they acted so gently with her.

Shintaro was kind and snarky with Katsa, but never in front of anyone other than the other Generation of Miracles. The same with all the others, really.

Kise dropped his fake smile and let them see his real personality. Aomine let himself act happy. Murasakibara showed interest. Seijuro was kind. Kuroko let go of his deadpan act. Momoi… well, she didn’t change that much, but she looked at Katsa with eyes gentler than anyone else.

Katsa didn’t know what she did to deserve it, but her friends showed sides of themselves to the rest of the Generation of Miracles, Katsa included, that they showed no other. That was something special.

“Are we going to play again or not?”

Katsa started to reply but was cut off by the door opening. She glanced over and froze.

“Hello, Katsa, Shintaro,” Coach Shirogane said. “Shintaro, can I speak to Katsa alone?”

Shintaro glanced between them quickly.

“It’s alright, Shintaro. I’ll talk to you later, alright?”

He slowly got up, eyes not leaving Shirogane.

“Go,” Katsa urged. “It’s alright.”

Shintaro left the room, carefully skirting around Shirogane. Katsa watched him leave, wishing she could go with him. Coach walked over and sat down in the chair Shintaro had just vacated. They sat in silence for a moment.

“Well,” She said when she couldn’t bear it any longer. “What do you want?”

“Why so hasty?” He asked. “I’m just here to chat.”

Katsa had thought a lot about what Coach was to her. She didn’t particularly like calling him a coach. If the nurses were right, and he really had abused her…

“I just want to hear what you came to say, so then you can leave.”

His eyes narrowed. “Well then, I suppose I’ll skip the pleasantries. You’re off the team.”

Katsa didn’t know where her newfound confidence came from. Maybe it was Kaori’s influence on her. “I thought that was obvious. I messed up, and you said if I messed up I was off the team.”

“I wasn’t finished,” he said sharply. Katsa flinched. “I don’t want you talking with any of the first string from now on. They don’t need the distraction.”

It took a moment to process in her mind. “What?” she whispered.

“You are forbidden from talking with any of the starters of the basketball club. I believe you would be a hindrance to their success.”

No. No no no no no no no no. He couldn’t take away her friends. She needed them. She couldn’t live without them. She knew she could be annoying, and a bother, so if they ever wanted out, she would leave them alone. But until that day when they said enough, she would do her best to stay with them. She refused to let Shirogane take them away from her.

Katsa breathed in, then out. “Get out,” she said quietly.

“What? You’re mumbling.”

“I said get out,” she snapped. He looked at her carefully, then stood up to leave.

“I’ll know if you talk to them. And I will punish them if you do.”

Katsa grabbed a fistful of her hair and took shuddering breaths. She heard the door slam behind him.

Her breath caught in her chest, and she put a hand over her mouth as a sob wracked her body. She felt tears slip down onto her hand.

“Katsa?” The door opened, and footsteps came near her. “What’s wrong?”

“Shintaro,” She grabbed onto his arm. “Shintaro, I need to tell someone. I’m sorry, I need to tell.”

“Katsa, what are you talking about? Tell what?”

He pulled her into a hug and she collapsed against his chest.

“I need to tell someone about the punishments, and the yelling, and the hitting. He abused us, Shintaro, and I need to tell someone.”

She felt him freeze. “Katsa, are you sure? He has connections in the basketball world. He could ruin our chances to play basketball forever.”

Katsa squeezed her eyes shut. She hadn’t told anyone about her not being able to play basketball. She wasn’t ready yet.

“I need to tell someone. It’s not right. He’s just going to keep hurting you guys. I’m sorry, I have to tell.”

A pause, then: “It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

He held her tighter in his arms, and started to rock them a little. Katsa let herself cry until she couldn’t cry anymore.

It wasn’t about her not being able to talk to her friends, not entirely. That was just the straw the broke the camel’s back. She may not be on the team anymore, but that didn’t stop her from caring about her friends. She couldn’t let that man hurt them anymore—she wouldn’t let it go on any longer.

She wouldn’t let Shirogane hurt anyone else, especially not her friends.

Katsa was willing to do anything for her friends. Even do the one thing she never thought she’d be able to do—stand up against Shirogane.

It was like beating the final boss in a videogame. The abuse, depression, anxiety, OCD (and wasn’t that wonderful, having a name for the compulsions), and everything else were the mini-bosses. It was time to end this. It was time to end it all.

 

Katsa stared up at the trees blankly as she was pushed underneath them. Sora was pushing her wheelchair; they were traveling down one of the many pathways of the hospital grounds.

Neither of them were smiling. Sora because he never smiled much anyway, and Katsa because she couldn’t bear to hold up a pretend smile anymore. Not after what she did.

She told on Coach. She risked him hurting her friends and him ruining their chances of playing basketball. She endangered her friends and their futures for selfish reasons.

It was Winter, and chilly out. Both teens bore jackets, scarves, and hats. Katsa couldn’t feel the cold. She was only dressed for the weather at her friend’s insistence.

When was the last time she had felt cold, she wondered? She had she last felt anything other than pain and self-hatred? She couldn’t even feel the pain from all the medications. Was that all she was? Apathy and hatred? What kind of horrible life was that to live?

Her friends hadn’t visited her since she told. Katsa didn’t blame them. She betrayed the unsaid promise they all made. She betrayed them.

She sometimes wondered if she was a bad person. She was torn about it. Being a bad person meant being a real person in the first place, and she didn’t feel real.

Katsa counted the branches of the trees she passed. Two, four, six, eight, ten, twelve, fourteen—the tree went out of view before she could finish counting. Katsa clenched her fists, one, two, three, letting her nails dig into her skin.

All of the bruises that Coach left on her were almost gone. It was weird to think that one day soon her body would be free of any sign of his influence. All that would be left would be the things she and basketball left behind.

The hospital food tasted bland, but that wasn’t anything new. Katsa hadn’t had anything of flavor in months. Everything felt like sand going down. Unappetizing and actively uncomfortable to eat.

Some birds flew overhead. Katsa counted seven.

Sora was talking. Katsa didn’t know about what. She couldn’t seem to focus on his words. They slipped and slid off her mind and melted onto the floor. Or would they freeze? Sora said it was cold out, so maybe they would freeze.

Katsa realized that it had been a while since she breathed and took a breath. She breathed like the nurses at the psychiatric hospital taught her—in through the nose for four seconds, hold for four, out through the mouth for four, and hold again for four. Again.

Katsa felt something land in her lap and she blinked down in surprise. They had stopped moving, she noticed, and there was a dog with its front feet in her lap. Her dog, to be exact.  
“Loki?” Katsa muttered.

“I’ll give you two some space,” Sora said, patting Katsa on the shoulder. Katsa flinched away from his touch, not having expected it.

“Space with Loki?” She asked, utterly confused.

“I think they meant for you and me,” a voice said. Katsa looked away from Loki and met the eyes of—

“Seijuro?”

He knelt down by her wheelchair with a sad smile. “Hi.”

Katsa looked between him, Loki, and the now-distant figure of Sora. She tried to open her mouth to ask questions, but she couldn’t seem to muster up the energy.

“I told Sirius I wanted to visit you, so he helped me fix this up. Sora was to take you out here so me and Loki could meet you. Loki isn’t allowed in the hospital, and I knew you wanted to see him, so…”

Katsa blinked slowly. “Thought you were mad at me,” she mumbled. Seijuro’s eyes softened.

“Of course I’m not mad at you, Katsa. I could never be mad at you.”

Katsa wondered if she was dreaming. She didn’t think she could muster up any more words, so she tried to convey her message with her eyes. He seemed to get it.

“At the encouragement of several rich and powerful people, Coach Shirogane has decided to retire from coaching to focus on his health. He wishes the best to his students, and entrusts his position to the very capable Coach Sanada,” He said it like he was a newscaster.

Katsa kept looking at him. He continued. “He wouldn’t dare do anything now that he has the eyes of the Akashi’s on him. He can’t hurt us anymore, and he can’t take away basketball from us.”

Katsa opened and closed her mouth a couple of times before words came out. Even then, they were barely hearable. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything without you all’s permission. I’m sorry,” She lowered her head, fixing her gaze on Loki.

Seijuro put a hand on her chin, lifting her face to look at him. She couldn’t bring it in herself to mind his touch.

“Don’t be sorry,” He said, light admonishment in his voice. “You did the right thing. I would have told someone myself if I could have.”

Katsa wanted to ask, but she just darted her eyes around.

“We all had reasons for not being able to tell. For me…” He trailed off, and bit his lip. Katsa thought this was the most vulnerable she had ever seen him. “We all had our reasons. You took the bullet for us. You did the right thing.”

Katsa stared at him for several moments. Then, slowly, with great effort, she raised her arms. He understood, and he flung himself forward to wrap her in a hug.

Katsa felt safe in his embrace. She hadn’t felt comfortable touching someone else in a long while. It felt nice.

It… It felt. She felt. Not a real emotion, or a real anything really. But it was something. And it was a start.

 

Katsa didn’t know about things happening. She felt disconnected from reality, like she wasn’t really there. She was in an alternate dimension a little bit to the left, where she was underwater and drowning. Anything that happened was like she was watching as opposed to participating.

Katsa’s panic attacks didn’t feel like the way they were described in books. There was no hyperventilating or passing out.

It was everything happening at once yet nothing happening at all. It was music so loud that it all blended together into a constant humming. It was a bright movie that blurred into a bunch of pretty shapes. It was watching someone drown for hours on end in both first and third person view at the same time.

Things were starting and ending so fast that she couldn’t handle it. Her dreams were crumbling into dust and her nightmares were becoming reality.

The worst part was that she couldn’t let herself feel sorry for herself. She had family who stood by her side and friends who forgave her mistakes and a whole network of people willing to be her support system. She would still be able to walk, after a lot of work on her end. None of this was the end for her, not completely.

She had nothing to be sorry over. Her depression wasn’t bad enough to be an excuse for anything. Her OCD was nothing compared to some people’s. She had people who loved her and sometimes she could even muster up the energy to love them back.

She wasn’t bad enough to cry over. Things still started and ended, however quickly. She could continue functioning even when having a panic attack.

She just wished people would stop being so concerned. She wasn’t concerned for herself, so why should others bother. She wasn’t worth the effort. None of this was worth the effort.

She just wanted to give up. Existing was a pain and a bother. She just wanted to stop living. That would be so much easier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's one more chapter of pre-written stuff. The last chapter, my beta-reader, MG, is writing. I'm very sorry about not continuing this or even finishing it myself, but I don't have the inspiration to do so. So, after the next chapter, there might be a bit of a break before the last one is posted. That way, MG can take her time writing.


	13. I don't even know anymore man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warnings: Toxic thinking
> 
> If you’d like me to add any trigger warnings, feel free to leave a comment on here or AO3 or message me on my tumblr, @snowlikestardust.
> 
> If at any time you believe that the things included in the trigger warnings will make you uncomfortable or harm you in any way, contact me and I’ll give you a summary of the chapter.
> 
> Talk to me on my Tumblr! My personal is @snowlikestardust, and my writing is @bi-oluminescence. The latter I use for posting my writing and reblogging writing refs.
> 
> (Also I only HTML formatted half of the chapter so there are parts where the italics aren't there. Sorry about that, I'm exhausted and got bored of typing < em > a million times.)

Some days were harder than others.

Sometimes she’d be able to talk and laugh with her friends and actually have some sense of normalcy. On those days, she didn’t feel _really_ depressed. It felt like she was faking.

Other days she couldn’t talk or be touched by anyone but a select few. She couldn’t muster up a smile or make herself feel anything. She wanted nothing more than to die then.

You would think it would be easy to tell which days were which, but they weren’t. Katsa was horrible at analyzing her own state of being. She just existed as she was, floating and reacting to what she could actually feel in the world around her. She didn’t realize she was having a Bad Day until afterward, or when someone pointed it out.

And that really sucked. Because she had made a dozen promises to a bunch of different people that she would do her best to take care of herself and tell them when things got bad. But she didn’t _know_ when things got bad, and she didn’t know how to explain that.

It didn’t help that her mental illness didn’t look like what was portrayed in the media. Because she hadn’t seen anyone who struggled like her in any TV show except when they were heartbroken.

All the characters either had extremely exaggerated symptoms or no symptoms at all. And Katsa knew that some people had depression and OCD like that. She wasn’t begrudging them that representation. But she just wanted to be able to look at a character and say that she related to them.

It wasn’t just her mental health. It was her sexuality too. The few bisexual people in the media either got death or heartbreak at the end or “didn’t like labels.” Katsa just wanted proof that she could have a happy ending. She liked labeling herself as bi, and she didn’t want to think she would be depressed forever. Was it so bad that she wanted someone like her to get a happy ending?

Depressed girls never got a happy ending in the media, much less depressed bi girls (if there even were any of those in the media). Katsa didn’t want to be doomed to a life of misery. She wanted to be happy.

And that was the crux of the matter. She knew she wasn’t happy, and she wanted to be. But she couldn’t even really remember what it felt like.

She was just so _tired_. Tired of having no representation and tired of not being happy and tired of life and living and having triggers and just so, so _tired_.

She wanted to be able to read a sad book without going into a depressive episode. 

She wanted to be able to hear the word suicide without wanting to slit her wrists open. 

She wanted Remus to not have to feel guilty for staying in an amazing job.

She wanted Sirius to not get that sad look in his eyes whenever he looked at her.

She wanted to be able to play basketball with her friends again.

She wanted to be able to keep on living, even on her bad days, instead of being mute and unable to touch anyone but those special people.

She wanted so much, but more than anything she wanted to love herself. Because she didn’t, not at all, not even a little bit. She hated herself _so, so much_ and it _hurt_.

She wasn’t able to love herself and she couldn’t even see people like her being loved because that just wasn’t a _thing_ in the world around her.

And it was always like that, even on the good days, even when she had enough energy to pretend. The constant self-hatred and hurt and _everything_.

There were days when the only thing she could feel was emptiness and there were days when she was filled up with want and desire for all these unattainable things.

She was just so tired of pretending. She just wanted it to stop, but she _couldn’t_ stop, she _couldn’t_ , because showing people her real emotions wasn’t an option. It just _wasn’t_.

It hurt, so, so bad. And there were days when she couldn’t even realize that, and there were days when she couldn’t think about anything other than that.

She couldn’t breathe because her chest was stuffed full of regrets and pain and want.

She felt _broken_ , completely and utterly _shattered_. And she couldn’t even care enough to want to glue it all back together.

It wasn’t fair. None of it was _fair_. Why did she have to be like this? Why did she have to be depressed and have OCD and injure herself? Why did she have to be the Girl-Who-Lived? Why did she have so many expectations that she couldn’t for the life of her live up to?

_Why couldn’t she just live?_

 

Sora was moving to America. 

It happened quickly. Their mother’s job was the cause, and there was only just enough time to say goodbye.

Katsa went to the airport to see them off. It was the first time she’d been outside the hospital in weeks. She couldn’t bring herself to care.

She knew it wasn’t the end of the world. Sora promised to write as often as possible. They were a floo call away. They said that they could try to figure out how to work a computer so they could facetime each other. Katsa knew it wasn’t goodbye forever.

But what if Sora got tired of having to go the extra mile to communicate? What if they realized they were better off without her? What if they decided to cut off all contact?

Katsa hated feeling so possessive. She knew that Sora had no obligation to stick with her. But…

It was terrifying. The idea of losing her first friend, her role model. She didn’t want to be alone.

And she knew that was ridiculous. She had other friends. And it wasn’t like Sora was even leaving her. That was just Katsa’s paranoia talking.

She couldn’t bring herself to stop though. She was drained, emotionally and mentally and physically and everything, she was so, so tired. She hadn’t had a full night’s sleep in months. She had only been on antidepressants for a couple of weeks and she was already dead tired of swallowing pills twice a day. She had been having bad days for so long that she didn’t know what a good day felt like, only what less-bad days felt like. She just wanted it to end.

She was scared. Of being abandoned and of never having a good day again and that one day she would lose control and actually kill herself.

She just wanted it to end. Everything.

What was the point in anything? In the end, humanity would be extinct and nothing she did would matter. She was so tiny in the grand scheme of things that she wasn’t even a billionth of a pixel in the universe. There was no point.

If she told Sora that they would grab a hold of her hand and say that she mattered to them. But Sora was gone, and soon they would lose interest in keeping in touch.

Katsa didn’t understand why she was so upset. Her emotions were everywhere and all her senses were telling her that she deserved to be alone.

But Aira had the most amazing poetry and Kaori shared her best stories with the group. Tenshin shot hoops with her and made them every time and Mori had the sweetest smile. Maiko won every card game but never bragged about it.

They were kids like her, and they had issues like her. They were worth something. So, didn’t it make sense that she was worth something too?

There were so many sides her brain was taking, all fighting each other. Katsa couldn’t keep up.

She couldn’t think. Sora was gone to America and Katsa had lost one of her favorite people in the world. Not forever, but it was hard enough keeping in touch when they visited her in the hospital every day. She didn’t know if she could handle being a friend from so far away.

Some days were harder than others. The day Sora left was one of the worst since Katsa had been in the psychiatric hospital.

 

It took longer than Katsa liked to admit to realize that Seijuro’s eye changed color.

To be fair, she had a lot going on. But still, one of her best friend’s eyes turned gold and she didn’t notice right away.

“So, has no one questioned why you now have heterochromatic eyes? Or I am the only one seeing this?” She asked the group, though mostly directed at Seijuro.

“Everyone’s scared of him,” Murasakibara said. He offered a chip to Seijuro, as if in apology. Seijuro took it.

“Really,” Katsa said, raising her eyebrows. She knew her friends could be intimidating, but it was hard to imagine that such gentle and kind people were scary.

Seijuro looked way too proud of himself over being someone to be feared. “I can be quite scary when I want to be.”

“When you want to be?” Aomine said. “You’re scary whenever you’re around someone other than us.”

“Oh,” Kise grinned widely. “Are you admitting to being scared, Aominecchi?”

“You’re the one that’s going to be scared when I’m done with you, you little—“

“Daiki,” All Momoi said was his name, but a trill of fear went down the group’s backs.

“I believe that Momoi-san is the truly scary one here,” Shintaro said. There were nods all around.

Katsa noticed that none of them had offered up an explanation as to why Seijuro’s eye had changed color. She didn’t feel brave enough to ask though, so she stayed silent.

Instead, she just put on a smile at her friends’ antics. She let herself soak in the positivity of the people around her, and relax a little bit.

“Well, moving on from the things we already know,” Momoi said. “We have a surprise for you, Katsa.”

“Should I be scared?”

“It’s a good surprise,” Aomine said.

“It’s not even that much of a surprise, seeing as we’re giving you forewarning,” Midorima assured her.

“You didn’t answer my question. Should I be scared?”

“No,” Momoi assured her. “You should not be scared.”

“We’ve convinced Dr. Midorima to let you come over to my house for a couple of days over the break,” Seijuro said.

Katsa had been injured in the end of year tournament, but there was still several weeks left of the school year. The break between their second and third year was rapidly approaching.

“How did you manage that?” Katsa asked. “I’m still healing.”

“Our argument was that it’d do you good to get out of the hospital for a bit and away from all the doctors. There are a whole host of servants at my house, so anything you need can easily be provided.”

“Well color me impressed,” she said. “And guys… thank you. For everything.”

She wouldn’t be where she was without her friends. She owed them everything. Everything.

 

Katsa stared out the car window, watching the scenery flash by. She was on her way to Seijuro’s house. It was the first time she’d been out of the hospital in a while. She rolled down the window and reveled in the fresh air blowing against her face.

“It’s good to see a smile on your face,” Sirius said from the driver’s seat. She turned to reply, but she saw something in the front mirror. There was a person in front of the car.

“Look out!” she screeched. Sirius swore and swerved the car, but they hit the person dead on. Instead of the person being mowed over, the car flipped over them.

She heard a loud pop, someone grabbed her arm, and the world spun away from existence as she felt the sick feeling of apparating away.

 

 

 

_It was dark. Why was it so dark? Where was Sirius? Where was she?_

_Why couldn’t she feel anything?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this fic has been such a mess these past couple of weeks. I’ve had a lot going on, and it’s been so long since I’ve written this that I have no idea what any given chapter contains. I know I must seem like… well, I don’t really know what I must seem like, but I’m pretty sure it’s not good. So, I’m sorry.
> 
> I don’t know when exactly the next update is going to be out. I do know it’ll be the last chapter and be written by MG.
> 
> I was going to put this really long explanation of why I’m not continuing this story (I got through six bullet points on why) but I’m pretty sure that would fall into the category of oversharing and it made me really depressed to write anyway. I’m going to stick with just telling y’all my two new rules for writing fanfiction:
> 
> I’m writing fanfiction for fun. If a writing project ever gets un-fun, I have no obligation to write it, so I won’t. I have a lot of ideas swimming around in my brain, a direct contradiction of last spring when I couldn’t write something without abandoning the entire project. I’m going to use those ideas and write what I want to write.
> 
> No posting a fanfic until I either finish it or have ten chapters completed and the entire thing outlined. That makes sure I actually want to commit to a story and that I know where I’m going. 
> 
> So, hopefully something like this won’t happen again. I have a lot of WIPs right now, and I’m just writing what I want to write. If anyone’s curious what I’ve been working on recently, hit me up in the comments section or on my Tumblr and I’ll be glad to give you a run-down. 
> 
> And finally, I would like to say thank you. For all the nice comments and the support and taking the time to read this fic. It means a lot to me. I write fanfic because I enjoy doing so, and I post it to receive feedback and validation. You all have been so wonderful to me, and I’m so glad I got to have y’all as readers. 
> 
> I really have no idea when the next update is going to be, so until then, feel free to talk to me. About KnB or HP or memes or my writing or anything. I know my writing is depressing but I swear I’m capable of holding an actual conversation without being weird. 
> 
> Thanks again, and I’ll see you next time. Until then, have wonderful lives! Bye!
> 
> (PS, sorry about the cliffhanger.)


	14. A/N

Hey y'all, I'm sorry. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to do this, but this fic is not going to be continued. A week or two ago MG said she wouldn't be able to finish it, and whenever I try writing something like this when I don't want to write it it puts me in a bad mental state. So, this fic is officially abandoned. If anyone wants to take what I've written and continue it, go for it, just let me know in the comments. 

 

I'm really sorry to everyone who followed and enjoyed these stories. I'm not in a very mentally stable place right now, and I believe forcing myself to finish this would seriously hurt me. I didn't plan this as much as I should have, I posted too soon, and altogether this is just not my best work. I wrote because it was fun, not to make a quality piece of writing. I know I can do so much better than this, which I guess is part of the reason that I can't bear to continue. 

 

I'll do my best to ensure this doesn't happen again. I've posted far too many stories too soon and then been unable to continue them. I might even not let myself post anything until the whole thing is complete, but idk right now. I mean, right now I'm mostly focused on original work, which I probably won't share for a very long time, so that might not even be a problem. Who knows. 

 

If you're interested in finding out what the last chapter was going to be and how I was going to finish the story, leave a comment or PM me. If you want to chat in general, feel free to do the same. 

 

Hnnng okay I'm gonna stop talking now before I say something stupid (though I may have already said something stupid, I'm a wreck right now and can't think). So, sorry, and goodbye.

**Author's Note:**

> The basic principle of this is based on crocogirly's "Finding your way home." I have gotten her permission to post this. If you haven't read her fic, go check it out! It's super awesome, and this story wouldn't be a thing without it.  
> That being said, this fic is different from "Finding your way home." It has a large focus on mental health, for one, and I think we have very different writing styles.
> 
> Trigger warnings will be included at the start of each chapter. If you have anything you'd like me to include in those, just let me know.
> 
> My personal Tumblr: @snowlikestardust
> 
> My writing Tumblr: @bi-oluminescence


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